Cell Phones, Summer and Your Child's Safety

 By Amy Lupold Bair

Summer is here, and your kids are thrilled that they won’t be restricted by classroom walls for the next few months. Whether your children’s plans include camp, vacation, sports, sleepovers, playdates, a job, or just roaming the neighborhood, one thing’s for sure: Cell phones can be a lifesaver. As any parent of an active child or teen knows, nothing can compare to the peace of mind you feel when your daughter texts to say she’s arrived at her friend’s house in one piece…or the convenience of being able to call your son to let him know you’ll be at the soccer field to pick him up in ten minutes.
          Still, you may be wondering: When’s the best time for your children to join the cell-phone-toting crowd? Which model is best? And how will you keep your kids safe throughout the summer…and beyond? Not to worry: The popular For Dummies^® series is here to help you think through all of these questions and many more.

          “Kids as young as elementary school age carry mobile phones and use technology ranging from texting to online chats,” points out Amy Lupold Bair, author of Raising Digital Families For Dummies^® (Wiley, April 2013, ISBN: 978-1-1184-8508-8, $21.99). “And it’s true that providing your child with a mobile phone is a great way for your kids to stay connected with you when they’re out with friends, at work, or attending extracurricular activities. Just be sure that you’re taking precautions to ensure that your kids are using mobile phones responsibly and safely.”
          The key to making mobile phones work for your family during any season is to set clear guidelines by age group and location, focusing on each of the phone’s capabilities. Lupold Bair recommends writing these guidelines down in your Digital Family Policy, which is a comprehensive document that covers how, when, where, and why your family uses technology.
          “Your family’s rules should change with technological innovation as well as with the growth and maturation of your children,” she recommends. “During the summer especially, I would suggest being more lenient with when, where, why, and for how long kids can talk, text, and play games on their phones. Just make sure that all changed rules—and corresponding consequences—are mutually understood and agreed upon.
          “There’s one more thing to pay close attention to if you have a teenager in charge of his or her own transportation: texting or talking while driving,” Lupold Bair adds. “According to AAA, Memorial Day to Labor Day constitutes “The 100 Deadliest Days” for teen drivers, so have a serious talk with your teen about the dangers of distracted driving. You might even consider asking him or her to sign a pledge to keep the phone out of sight while in the car.”
          Here, Lupold Bair shares nine things to think about when determining what your children’s mobile phone usage should look like:

Determine the right age to get a phone. Odds are, your tech-savvy child will start asking for a mobile phone long before you’re comfortable with providing one. But sooner or later, you’ll think about relenting. Your child’s extracurricular schedule will get too busy and unpredictable, perhaps, or you’d like her to have a way to communicate with you while she’s at camp. Or you might simply decide that she’s finally mature enough to handle the responsibility!
“In addition to ‘biggies’ such as the need to communicate, safety concerns, and your child’s maturity, there are several other questions to consider when determining the right time to purchase your child’s first mobile phone,” Lupold Bair says. “How tech-savvy is she? Will she follow the rules you set up? Does she understand that acceptable mobile phone usage might differ throughout the day; for example, what’s okay at home may not be okay at sports practice? And does your family budget allow for the additional monthly cost?”

Choose from call-only, kid-friendly, and prepaid phone options. Despite what your kids may try to tell you, a smartphone with all of the bells and whistles isn’t the only mobile phone option you should consider. If you want your child to have a phone for safety or convenience but decide that he doesn’t need smartphone functionality, you may want to purchase a model with limited functions. First, determine whether you would like to purchase a standard phone contract or a prepaid phone plan, such as a phone with limited monthly minutes or one for which you can add minutes at a set rate per minute.
“Chances are, your wireless phone service provider offers devices that don’t include the data plans that come standard with a smartphone,” Lupold Bair comments. “While these phones typically include additional features (cameras and texting capability), you can indeed purchase a phone without being saddled with a texting or data plan. Before making a decision, you’ll want to compare costs, look into whether additional features such as texting are available on certain models, and decide whether you want your child’s phone to be locked into a contract.”

Prepare your kids for safe phone use. After you determine that your child is old enough to have a mobile device of her own, you’ll want to take a few precautions to ensure that she uses the device safely. First, focus on the phone itself. Set up parental controls; help your child select and set up a password; and add important phone numbers to the phone, including your own, emergency numbers, and those of any relatives and friends you’d like your child to have access to.
“Secondly, talk to your child about phone usage rules you expect her to follow,” suggests Lupold Bair. “Discuss appropriate usage, phone curfews, guidelines for when to share concerns with adults, rules regarding texting and apps, and what your child should do when answering calls from numbers she doesn’t recognize, to name a few examples. Again, I recommend writing all of these rules down—along with consequences if they’re broken—in your Digital Family Policy.”

Compare limit options through your service provider. Every mobile service provider offers products and services to help parents set limits and protect their children. Depending on which company your contract is with, you might be able to add a filter that blocks sites with mature content from your child’s phone, for example. Other optional features may allow you to remotely locate your child’s phone, block certain numbers from calling it, or control how much data is used each month—and more.
“Before committing to a certain phone or plan, be sure to ask a representative of your mobile service provider about which limits are available,” Lupold Bair says. “If you add a few well-placed controls before giving your child a phone, you can save yourself a lot of worry, money, and trouble!”

Learn about parental controls available by mobile phone device platform. In addition to controls set by your mobile service provider, many mobile phone models and platforms allow you to set additional limits regarding what your child can and can’t do on her phone. Learn what you can about content control, access to apps, privacy settings, and so on—and take advantage of them!
“Many parents aren’t aware that they can restrict access to apps and web browsing, for example, or prevent their child from viewing specific types of content,” shares Lupold Bair. “You might also be able to block changes to the phone’s privacy settings, restrict access to multiplayer games, and even set volume limits!”

Use monitors and restrictions for content and usage amounts. When you’re a parent, there’s no such thing as too much control when it comes to your child’s safety, right? If your head is nodding right now, you’ll be happy to know that in addition to controls available from mobile service providers and those that are built into phones themselves, you have one more line of defense: parental control software or applications.
“You can find programs to monitor and control usage, block content, and locate your children through their phones,” Lupold Bair asserts. “For example, PhoneSheriff allows parents to block functions according to time of day, track the mobile device via GPS, block communication with certain numbers, and record all text messages and phone calls. Mobistealth allows you to access your child’s location in real-time as well as through a historical tracker, record calls, listen live to calls, access an activity log, view web history, and view contact details.”

Think about GPS and your children’s privacy. Increasingly, mobile phones—especially the “smart” types—come equipped with built-in GPS. The upside, of course, is that GPS allows you to locate your child via his phone. However, GPS also allows applications, services, and potential predators to locate your children—so be very careful.
“If you and your child choose to keep the GPS function activated on his mobile phone, consider asking him to opt out of allowing applications such as Facebook and Twitter to access this function,” recommends Lupold Bair. “Applications that allow your teen to check in at specific locations publicly alert strangers to where he is. Some programs even allow friends to post your child’s location without your child’s permission.”

Discuss texting and driving. A 2012 study by the University of Michigan found that more than 25 percent of teens admitted to reading or sending a text message while behind the wheel, making them far more likely to be in an accident. And as Lupold Bair has already pointed out, the days between Memorial Day and Labor Day are “The 100 Deadliest Days” for teen drivers. Some of the implications of texting and driving are a parent’s worst nightmare.
“Yes, you can place apps on your child’s phone to help prevent her from texting and driving, but be sure to also talk to her about the dangers, and to include rules about texting and driving in your Digital Family Policy,” urges Lupold Bair. “Also, remember that kids watch you to know which behaviors are and aren’t appropriate. If you don’t want them to text and drive, make sure that you aren’t texting while driving, either!”

Talk to your children about sexting. According to the Pew Research Center, sending a sexual text message with or without a photograph affects at least 15 percent of teens; that is, they’ve received this type of message via their mobile phone. Parents need to talk frankly with their children about this dangerous trend—and include rules and consequences in their Digital Family Policy—before providing kids with access to a phone that supports text.
“When talking with your children about sexting, create a plan for what your child should do if he receives a sexting message from someone,” Lupold Bair suggests. “Remind him not to immediately delete inappropriate messages because they could be crucial if you need to report potentially dangerous behavior. Also, be sure to discuss the consequences of sexting—other people could be humiliated or hurt emotionally, and so could your child. Some sexting might even break child pornography laws. Finally, encourage your children to come to you if they feel pressure to participate in this type of behavior.”

          “Since the invention of the telephone, kids and teens have loved using them to connect,” concludes Lupold Bair. “This generation just has a lot more bells and whistles to contend with! As a parent, the best thing you can do when giving your child a mobile phone is to be fully informed about how the phone works, what it’s capable of, and the dangers your child might face. Then, address all potential problems and concerns up-front. Here’s to making the most of being connected this summer—and beyond!”

# # #

About the Author:
Amy Lupold Bair is the author of Raising Digital Families For Dummies^®. She is the founder of Resourceful Mommy Media, inventor of the Twitter Party, and developer of the Global Influence Network for social media-savvy bloggers like herself. Amy shares the wisdom of a mom and the feedback of a thoughtful consumer on her blog, ResourcefulMommy.com.

About the Book:
Raising Digital Families For Dummies^® (Wiley, April 2013, ISBN: 978-1-1184-8508-8, $21.99) is available at bookstores nationwide, major online booksellers, or directly from the publisher by calling (877) 762-2974. For more information, please visit the book’s page at www.wiley.com.

Have a Happy Mother's Day....2014

This Mother’s Day could already be a lost cause—but you can create thoughtful, caring kids who won’t give you generic greeting cards or “dumpster flowers” next year. Here, I offer six tips for changing the message you’re sending your kids—and creating a better life for yourself in the process.

  

By Madeline Levine, PhD

Be honest, mothers. Is that special Sunday in May really that special? Or is it a bitter disappointment? For too many mothers, at least those of us in a brutally honest mood, the answer is the latter. Once our kids get past the preschool-mandated handprint artwork—which back then moved us to tears—the gifts become less and less thoughtful. A generic card. A generic bouquet. Maybe just a halfhearted hug or even an obligatory phone call.

            The problem isn’t the gift itself, of course. It’s the feeling (or lack thereof) behind the gift. Frankly, we deserve more from our kids. After all, we’ve selflessly devoted our entire lives to them, haven’t we? Yes, we have—and that’s a big part of the problem.

            On a recent Mother’s Day my phone was ringing off the hook. So many moms were feeling hurt and unappreciated. Thoughtful gifts were practically nonexistent, and the few kids who managed to bring flowers brought, in the words of one of these moms, “the tiredest flowers I’ve ever seen. I’d swear they came from a dumpster.”

            The moms who got late-in-the-day phone calls tried hard to feel content with “just hearing my daughter’s voice.” These kids have been shown that we expect so little, are entitled to so little, that the mere sound of their voice is enough.

            Who showed them that? Why, that would be us mothers! When we devote everything to our kids—all our free time, all our energy, all our disposable income—we shouldn’t be surprised when they come to believe the moon and stars revolve around them. Entitled children are the inevitable outcome of time and resources that are wildly and disproportionately assigned to the children and not the adults in the family.

            If this all hits painfully close to home—and if you’re reading it two days before Mother’s Day—you probably don’t have high hopes for the big day.  And you’re right.  You might as well brace yourself for a disappointing May 12^th.

            But here’s the good news: It’s not too late for Mother’s Day next year. The change in your kids won’t happen overnight, but you can start to slowly turn this (unsatisfying) ship around.

            Here are a few tips to get you started:

• All year long, seize opportunities to teach empathy. Ask your kids, “How would you feel if it was your birthday and no one noticed?” But also ask them, “How do you feel when somebody remembers something special?” For younger kids, have them consider their own feelings. (That’s what they’re best at!) For older kids, ask them to put themselves in the shoes of someone else. “How do you think Grandma felt when we all came over for Thanksgiving? What would it have been like for her if no one showed up?”

Kids are naturally self-centered, but you can counter that tendency by frequently reminding them to consider the feelings of others. Do this and you’ll end up with nicer, more empathetic kids. And as a bonus, they’ll be more sensitive to making sure you have a happy Mother’s Day in the future.

• Use teachable moments to make your Mother’s Day expectations known. We have this magical idea that if our spouse and kids love us they should “know” what we want for Mother’s Day. They don’t. We have to teach them. It’s not necessary to boldly state, “This is the kind of gift I want…and oh by the way, I want it wrapped and festooned with ribbons.” But you can couch the lessons inside casual conversations about how to buy gifts for people for occasions that happen all year—birthdays, graduations, Christmas, and so forth.

Teach kids to think a little more deeply about their friends and family. When you buy a gift for someone, narrate your thought process: “I’m getting these purple gardening gloves for Grandma because she loves working in her flower bed and also because purple is her favorite color. And have you noticed that her gifts to you are nicely wrapped? That’s why I wrap hers so carefully in beautiful paper.”

Also, urge them to notice what works and what doesn’t—Aunt May has never been seen wearing the blouse they bought, but she never comes over without the earrings that were a gift.

When you teach kids how to get specific about people’s likes and dislikes, they’ll naturally apply these lessons to the gifts they buy for you. This will help ensure that you don’t get a Dustbuster…again.

• Ask a spouse or someone else to remind kids next year that the big day is coming. You want kids to see and feel gratified by your delight when they present the big gift. It’s the good feelings they get that will reinforce their newfound consideration for others. They won’t get to have that experience if they forget the day altogether.

It also helps model an important aspect of being a spouse—consideration for their mate. One day your children’s own spouses will thank you.

• Own your part of the problem. By giving up your life and your interests to be fully child-centric at all times, you’ve taught kids that nothing matters as much as their needs. Girlfriends and even spouses fall by the wayside as you spend weekend after weekend sitting in the bleachers watching your kids play endless soccer games (endless for you because you don’t participate; exciting for them because they do!). If you teach them that their needs always trump yours (the movies you see, the vacations you take, the allocation of family resources), then don’t be shocked when they learn the lesson well.

When asked about the absence of thought or presents on Mother’s Day, many kids will respond with “I was busy” or “I’m saving up for World of Warcraft.” If you hear those kinds of self-centered comments, it’s time to reorder your family priorities. Make sure everyone knows that you count! Family life is a collaborative effort. Everyone gets to play.

• Start making adulthood attractive. (Mother’s Day is a great starting point!) One of the most important things we do in encouraging our children’s growth is to make adulthood look like something to be excited about. If your child gets an Xbox for his birthday and you’re content with carnations sprayed some awful neon color, grabbed from the neighborhood supermarket bin, well, who in their right mind would want to grow up? I suggest that you bring your spouse or significant other in on Mother’s Day plans (and be sure you do the same for Father’s Day).

Make Mother’s Day exciting and about you. It’s time to stand up for yourself. Let your husband know that the 10K race he’s wanted to run—while you monitor the kids—is not your idea of a Mother’s Day present. Your delight at being really “tuned into” helps your kids learn the pleasure of really “getting” another person and assures them that all fun doesn’t end at age 12.

• Don’t expect the change to be easy. Our whole culture is centered on advancing and promoting our kids. Opting out is literally a countercultural move. It will feel uncomfortable at first—even wrong. Parenting habits are hard to break, especially when they’re supported by advertising and neighborhood values that make it seem like it’s the most natural thing in the world to be overly involved in our children’s every move. But you’re not doing kids any favors when you buy into this mindset.

Remember that the science says we’ve got it all backwards—that kids thrive when they’re challenged and not micro-managed. Have a family discussion about the changes you’d like to make and institute them slowly. It’s much better to have a slow rearranging of priorities that is successful than a radical change that falls on its face.

So starting May 12^th, why not give yourself the best Mother’s Day gift of all: Vow to make this the year you finally get a well-rounded life.

You might be surprised by what you can do over the course of a year. Let me know how next year’s Mother’s Day turns out.

# # #

About the Author:

Madeline Levine, PhD, is a clinician, consultant, and educator; the author of The Price of Privilege; and a cofounder of Challenge Success, a program founded at the Stanford School of Education that addresses education reform and student well-being. She lives outside San Francisco with her husband and is the proud mother of three newly minted adult sons.

About the Book:

Teach Your Children Well: Parenting for Authentic Success (HarperCollins, July 2012, ISBN: 978-0-0618247-4-6, $26.99) will be available at bookstores nationwide and from all major online booksellers. 

For more information, please visit www.madelinelevine.com.

Bullying? Not on My Watch! It’s (Past) Time for a Cultural Revolution

By Todd Patkin, Guest Blogger

Every few months, it seems, there’s another headline about the death of a child or teen as the result of bullying. That’s terrifying, and it’s also unacceptable. To some extent we expect to hear about economic woes, political strife, and natural disasters. We don’t expect to hear about the premature (and preventable) deaths of our young people. And we shouldn’t have to. It’s past time for America to realize that bullying is “the” problem of our day, and for parents and educators to lead the revolution on stopping this dangerous behavior.

If you’re skeptical, consider the following statistics from www.bullyingstatistics.org:

• Almost 30 percent of young people participate in bullying behaviors or are bullying victims.
• Every day, around 160,000 students do not attend school because they are afraid of being bullied.
• Young people who have been bullied are two to nine times likelier than their nonbullied peers to consider suicide.

 To put it bluntly, what we’re doing to combat bullying clearly isn’t working. Suicides are still happening, and that’s not even mentioning the thousands of kids whose lives are destroyed or diminished—but not ended—by bullying.

Yes, bullying is a big problem.

            I know from personal experience just how devastating bullying can be. Being the target of several tormenters filled my high school years with much anxiety, and the effects of being bullied lasted into my adulthood.

            My tormenters verbally abused me, and they would also push me around and knock my books or drinks out of my hands. They caused me to often dread coming to school or attending social functions. My confidence and self-esteem took a huge hit. And looking back, I believe that the negative self-image bullying cultivated lasted well into my adult years and contributed to the anxiety and depression from which I suffered.

            I’m not alone either. In fact, research has shown that the fear, social anxiety, shame, low self-esteem, and anger that bullying causes can rear their heads throughout adulthood, often at crucial moments, causing individuals who were once bullied to stick with “easy,” “safe,” or “defensive” choices instead of those that might prove most beneficial. There are definitive links between childhood bullying and adult depression. Being bullied can also lead to anger management problems and aggression in adulthood.

            The importance of combating and preventing bullying should be obvious. By preventing a young person from being bullied, we may be freeing him or her from a lifetime of feeling inadequate and being haunted by horrible memories. We may even be saving a life.

So, why isn’t the current approach working?

Yes, bullying has gotten a lot of media attention, and as a result, schools and communities are providing more and more resources for bullied kids. They’re encouraging victims to reach out for help, and they’re also instituting zero-tolerance policies aimed at the bullies themselves. But too many victims are still slipping through the cracks. Why? I believe we’re putting too much responsibility on the young people we’re trying to protect.

Schools put out a lot of rhetoric on dealing with and preventing bullying, but the problem is still rampant. That’s because our current approach revolves around requiring kids to tell on each other—and it’s not as effective as we hoped. For several reasons, young people just aren’t reporting the bullies.

First of all, kids who are being bullied often lack the self-esteem and confidence to stand up for themselves and let adults know what’s happening. They also worry that turning a tormentor in will make them new targets, or intensify the former level of bullying.

I certainly didn’t ask teachers or my parents for any help when I was in high school because I was so ashamed of my weakness in dealing with my bullies. Also, I was afraid that if my teachers or parents stepped in, their interference would just make my tormenters focus their efforts on me more. I’d be even more on the outside because I’d ratted out my peers.

I believe that many young people today feel just as powerless to speak up and “out” bullies—and I also point out that repercussions for them could be worse than those I might have faced due to cyberbullying. In other words, today’s bullies aren’t forced to stop once the school bell rings—their vicious and hurtful behavior can continue 24/7 thanks to social media sites, texting, and emails.

How much longer are we going to let this problem go on? Are we going to continue to allow more kids to become victims because, like I was, they’re too scared to speak up? Not on my watch!

Here’s what our goal should be.

We need to spark a culture-wide revolution to make bullying uncool—in fact, unacceptable! There needs to be a palpable stigma attached to tormenting and belittling another person in this way.

            I compare the bullying problem to drunk driving. Once upon a time, getting behind the wheel after a few alcoholic beverages was fairly common and casual, and was not seen as “that big of a deal”—just as, until recently, bullying was seen as “a part of kids growing up.”

Then an organization called Mothers Against Drunk Driving (MADD) took up the cause and dramatically changed the way in which Americans viewed drunk driving. Through publicity campaigns and a grassroots movement, MADD caused the public to view driving while intoxicated as something that is reprehensible, irresponsible, dangerous, and even criminal. MADD’s efforts also helped to enact stronger penalties against drunk drivers.

Similarly, bullies need to lose the ‘cool’ image that comes with being at the top of the social pecking order. The public—adults and kids alike—needs to view bullying as something that brands you with a modern-day scarlet letter. Our current zero-tolerance policies are a good start, but we need to add another prong to our anti-bullying approach. In short, parents have to lead the way (along with other students) to say that we are no longer going to accept this behavior. It has to start in your house.       

What can parents do to change things?

We as parents need to be more proactive in raising kids who are not bullies. If young people see bullying as something to avoid at all costs—something that they don’t want to participate in or allow to happen—we’ll be directly attacking the problem instead of treating the symptoms. Over time, this attitude will spread and will hopefully become just as ingrained in the public psyche as our negative views on drunk driving. The best news is, getting started is pretty simple.

First, have the bullying talk. Talk to your kids about bullying, just as you would have the drug talk or the drunk driving talk. Most parents don’t directly address this topic, perhaps because nobody ever thinks it’s their kids. (Admit it; you’ve thought something along the lines of, My child would never make fun of someone just to be mean.) And as a result, many kids don’t have a full understanding of how serious bullying and its effects can be. It’s important to be specific in defining what bullying is (make sure your child knows that it can include physical abuse, verbal taunting, online harassment, or even passing on a hurtful message or rumor), and to explain just how damaging certain words and actions can be to others—even if your child didn’t “mean” them or think they would have a lasting impact.

You should also make a point to explain that when someone commits suicide because of bullying, many lives are ruined. As a parent, you don’t want a young person’s death on your head, or on that of your child.

I am also adamant that if your child is caught bullying, you must take it very, very seriously. If you caught your child lying or stealing, you’d come down hard, right? You definitely wouldn’t brush off the behavior as “just a stage.” You’d do whatever was necessary to nip it in the bud. Treat bullying the same way.

I’m not here to tell you how to punish your child—consequences are your family’s business. Just make sure that your child knows that bullying behaviors are not okay in your family. Talk to him about why he reacted the way he did, why it was wrong, and how he can better respond in the future.

Ultimately, this is one social change that will happen because ordinary parents are purposeful in how they’re raising their children. In the past, bullies have been seen as “cool”—they’ve even been glamorized in popular culture thanks to movies like Mean Girls. We have the power and responsibility to change this view, now that we fully understand the thousands of lives that bullying affects every day. And that change must start now.  

About the Author:

Todd Patkin grew up in Needham, Massachusetts. After graduating from Tufts University, he joined the family business and spent the next eighteen years helping to grow it to new heights. After it was purchased by Advance Auto Parts in 2005, he was free to focus on his main passions: philanthropy and giving back to the community, spending time with family and friends, and helping more people learn how to be happy. Todd lives with his wonderful wife, Yadira, their amazing son, Josh, and two great dogs, Tucker and Hunter.

About the Book:

Finding Happiness: One Man’s Quest to Beat Depression and Anxiety and—Finally—Let the Sunshine In (StepWise Press, 2011, ISBN: 978-0-9658261-9-8, $19.95, www.findinghappinessthebook.com) is available at bookstores nationwide, from major online booksellers, and at www.findinghappinessthebook.com.