Cell Phones, Summer and Your Child's Safety

 By Amy Lupold Bair

Summer is here, and your kids are thrilled that they won’t be restricted by classroom walls for the next few months. Whether your children’s plans include camp, vacation, sports, sleepovers, playdates, a job, or just roaming the neighborhood, one thing’s for sure: Cell phones can be a lifesaver. As any parent of an active child or teen knows, nothing can compare to the peace of mind you feel when your daughter texts to say she’s arrived at her friend’s house in one piece…or the convenience of being able to call your son to let him know you’ll be at the soccer field to pick him up in ten minutes.
          Still, you may be wondering: When’s the best time for your children to join the cell-phone-toting crowd? Which model is best? And how will you keep your kids safe throughout the summer…and beyond? Not to worry: The popular For Dummies^® series is here to help you think through all of these questions and many more.

          “Kids as young as elementary school age carry mobile phones and use technology ranging from texting to online chats,” points out Amy Lupold Bair, author of Raising Digital Families For Dummies^® (Wiley, April 2013, ISBN: 978-1-1184-8508-8, $21.99). “And it’s true that providing your child with a mobile phone is a great way for your kids to stay connected with you when they’re out with friends, at work, or attending extracurricular activities. Just be sure that you’re taking precautions to ensure that your kids are using mobile phones responsibly and safely.”
          The key to making mobile phones work for your family during any season is to set clear guidelines by age group and location, focusing on each of the phone’s capabilities. Lupold Bair recommends writing these guidelines down in your Digital Family Policy, which is a comprehensive document that covers how, when, where, and why your family uses technology.
          “Your family’s rules should change with technological innovation as well as with the growth and maturation of your children,” she recommends. “During the summer especially, I would suggest being more lenient with when, where, why, and for how long kids can talk, text, and play games on their phones. Just make sure that all changed rules—and corresponding consequences—are mutually understood and agreed upon.
          “There’s one more thing to pay close attention to if you have a teenager in charge of his or her own transportation: texting or talking while driving,” Lupold Bair adds. “According to AAA, Memorial Day to Labor Day constitutes “The 100 Deadliest Days” for teen drivers, so have a serious talk with your teen about the dangers of distracted driving. You might even consider asking him or her to sign a pledge to keep the phone out of sight while in the car.”
          Here, Lupold Bair shares nine things to think about when determining what your children’s mobile phone usage should look like:

Determine the right age to get a phone. Odds are, your tech-savvy child will start asking for a mobile phone long before you’re comfortable with providing one. But sooner or later, you’ll think about relenting. Your child’s extracurricular schedule will get too busy and unpredictable, perhaps, or you’d like her to have a way to communicate with you while she’s at camp. Or you might simply decide that she’s finally mature enough to handle the responsibility!
“In addition to ‘biggies’ such as the need to communicate, safety concerns, and your child’s maturity, there are several other questions to consider when determining the right time to purchase your child’s first mobile phone,” Lupold Bair says. “How tech-savvy is she? Will she follow the rules you set up? Does she understand that acceptable mobile phone usage might differ throughout the day; for example, what’s okay at home may not be okay at sports practice? And does your family budget allow for the additional monthly cost?”

Choose from call-only, kid-friendly, and prepaid phone options. Despite what your kids may try to tell you, a smartphone with all of the bells and whistles isn’t the only mobile phone option you should consider. If you want your child to have a phone for safety or convenience but decide that he doesn’t need smartphone functionality, you may want to purchase a model with limited functions. First, determine whether you would like to purchase a standard phone contract or a prepaid phone plan, such as a phone with limited monthly minutes or one for which you can add minutes at a set rate per minute.
“Chances are, your wireless phone service provider offers devices that don’t include the data plans that come standard with a smartphone,” Lupold Bair comments. “While these phones typically include additional features (cameras and texting capability), you can indeed purchase a phone without being saddled with a texting or data plan. Before making a decision, you’ll want to compare costs, look into whether additional features such as texting are available on certain models, and decide whether you want your child’s phone to be locked into a contract.”

Prepare your kids for safe phone use. After you determine that your child is old enough to have a mobile device of her own, you’ll want to take a few precautions to ensure that she uses the device safely. First, focus on the phone itself. Set up parental controls; help your child select and set up a password; and add important phone numbers to the phone, including your own, emergency numbers, and those of any relatives and friends you’d like your child to have access to.
“Secondly, talk to your child about phone usage rules you expect her to follow,” suggests Lupold Bair. “Discuss appropriate usage, phone curfews, guidelines for when to share concerns with adults, rules regarding texting and apps, and what your child should do when answering calls from numbers she doesn’t recognize, to name a few examples. Again, I recommend writing all of these rules down—along with consequences if they’re broken—in your Digital Family Policy.”

Compare limit options through your service provider. Every mobile service provider offers products and services to help parents set limits and protect their children. Depending on which company your contract is with, you might be able to add a filter that blocks sites with mature content from your child’s phone, for example. Other optional features may allow you to remotely locate your child’s phone, block certain numbers from calling it, or control how much data is used each month—and more.
“Before committing to a certain phone or plan, be sure to ask a representative of your mobile service provider about which limits are available,” Lupold Bair says. “If you add a few well-placed controls before giving your child a phone, you can save yourself a lot of worry, money, and trouble!”

Learn about parental controls available by mobile phone device platform. In addition to controls set by your mobile service provider, many mobile phone models and platforms allow you to set additional limits regarding what your child can and can’t do on her phone. Learn what you can about content control, access to apps, privacy settings, and so on—and take advantage of them!
“Many parents aren’t aware that they can restrict access to apps and web browsing, for example, or prevent their child from viewing specific types of content,” shares Lupold Bair. “You might also be able to block changes to the phone’s privacy settings, restrict access to multiplayer games, and even set volume limits!”

Use monitors and restrictions for content and usage amounts. When you’re a parent, there’s no such thing as too much control when it comes to your child’s safety, right? If your head is nodding right now, you’ll be happy to know that in addition to controls available from mobile service providers and those that are built into phones themselves, you have one more line of defense: parental control software or applications.
“You can find programs to monitor and control usage, block content, and locate your children through their phones,” Lupold Bair asserts. “For example, PhoneSheriff allows parents to block functions according to time of day, track the mobile device via GPS, block communication with certain numbers, and record all text messages and phone calls. Mobistealth allows you to access your child’s location in real-time as well as through a historical tracker, record calls, listen live to calls, access an activity log, view web history, and view contact details.”

Think about GPS and your children’s privacy. Increasingly, mobile phones—especially the “smart” types—come equipped with built-in GPS. The upside, of course, is that GPS allows you to locate your child via his phone. However, GPS also allows applications, services, and potential predators to locate your children—so be very careful.
“If you and your child choose to keep the GPS function activated on his mobile phone, consider asking him to opt out of allowing applications such as Facebook and Twitter to access this function,” recommends Lupold Bair. “Applications that allow your teen to check in at specific locations publicly alert strangers to where he is. Some programs even allow friends to post your child’s location without your child’s permission.”

Discuss texting and driving. A 2012 study by the University of Michigan found that more than 25 percent of teens admitted to reading or sending a text message while behind the wheel, making them far more likely to be in an accident. And as Lupold Bair has already pointed out, the days between Memorial Day and Labor Day are “The 100 Deadliest Days” for teen drivers. Some of the implications of texting and driving are a parent’s worst nightmare.
“Yes, you can place apps on your child’s phone to help prevent her from texting and driving, but be sure to also talk to her about the dangers, and to include rules about texting and driving in your Digital Family Policy,” urges Lupold Bair. “Also, remember that kids watch you to know which behaviors are and aren’t appropriate. If you don’t want them to text and drive, make sure that you aren’t texting while driving, either!”

Talk to your children about sexting. According to the Pew Research Center, sending a sexual text message with or without a photograph affects at least 15 percent of teens; that is, they’ve received this type of message via their mobile phone. Parents need to talk frankly with their children about this dangerous trend—and include rules and consequences in their Digital Family Policy—before providing kids with access to a phone that supports text.
“When talking with your children about sexting, create a plan for what your child should do if he receives a sexting message from someone,” Lupold Bair suggests. “Remind him not to immediately delete inappropriate messages because they could be crucial if you need to report potentially dangerous behavior. Also, be sure to discuss the consequences of sexting—other people could be humiliated or hurt emotionally, and so could your child. Some sexting might even break child pornography laws. Finally, encourage your children to come to you if they feel pressure to participate in this type of behavior.”

          “Since the invention of the telephone, kids and teens have loved using them to connect,” concludes Lupold Bair. “This generation just has a lot more bells and whistles to contend with! As a parent, the best thing you can do when giving your child a mobile phone is to be fully informed about how the phone works, what it’s capable of, and the dangers your child might face. Then, address all potential problems and concerns up-front. Here’s to making the most of being connected this summer—and beyond!”

# # #

About the Author:
Amy Lupold Bair is the author of Raising Digital Families For Dummies^®. She is the founder of Resourceful Mommy Media, inventor of the Twitter Party, and developer of the Global Influence Network for social media-savvy bloggers like herself. Amy shares the wisdom of a mom and the feedback of a thoughtful consumer on her blog, ResourcefulMommy.com.

About the Book:
Raising Digital Families For Dummies^® (Wiley, April 2013, ISBN: 978-1-1184-8508-8, $21.99) is available at bookstores nationwide, major online booksellers, or directly from the publisher by calling (877) 762-2974. For more information, please visit the book’s page at www.wiley.com.

Have a Happy Mother's Day....2014

This Mother’s Day could already be a lost cause—but you can create thoughtful, caring kids who won’t give you generic greeting cards or “dumpster flowers” next year. Here, I offer six tips for changing the message you’re sending your kids—and creating a better life for yourself in the process.

  

By Madeline Levine, PhD

Be honest, mothers. Is that special Sunday in May really that special? Or is it a bitter disappointment? For too many mothers, at least those of us in a brutally honest mood, the answer is the latter. Once our kids get past the preschool-mandated handprint artwork—which back then moved us to tears—the gifts become less and less thoughtful. A generic card. A generic bouquet. Maybe just a halfhearted hug or even an obligatory phone call.

            The problem isn’t the gift itself, of course. It’s the feeling (or lack thereof) behind the gift. Frankly, we deserve more from our kids. After all, we’ve selflessly devoted our entire lives to them, haven’t we? Yes, we have—and that’s a big part of the problem.

            On a recent Mother’s Day my phone was ringing off the hook. So many moms were feeling hurt and unappreciated. Thoughtful gifts were practically nonexistent, and the few kids who managed to bring flowers brought, in the words of one of these moms, “the tiredest flowers I’ve ever seen. I’d swear they came from a dumpster.”

            The moms who got late-in-the-day phone calls tried hard to feel content with “just hearing my daughter’s voice.” These kids have been shown that we expect so little, are entitled to so little, that the mere sound of their voice is enough.

            Who showed them that? Why, that would be us mothers! When we devote everything to our kids—all our free time, all our energy, all our disposable income—we shouldn’t be surprised when they come to believe the moon and stars revolve around them. Entitled children are the inevitable outcome of time and resources that are wildly and disproportionately assigned to the children and not the adults in the family.

            If this all hits painfully close to home—and if you’re reading it two days before Mother’s Day—you probably don’t have high hopes for the big day.  And you’re right.  You might as well brace yourself for a disappointing May 12^th.

            But here’s the good news: It’s not too late for Mother’s Day next year. The change in your kids won’t happen overnight, but you can start to slowly turn this (unsatisfying) ship around.

            Here are a few tips to get you started:

• All year long, seize opportunities to teach empathy. Ask your kids, “How would you feel if it was your birthday and no one noticed?” But also ask them, “How do you feel when somebody remembers something special?” For younger kids, have them consider their own feelings. (That’s what they’re best at!) For older kids, ask them to put themselves in the shoes of someone else. “How do you think Grandma felt when we all came over for Thanksgiving? What would it have been like for her if no one showed up?”

Kids are naturally self-centered, but you can counter that tendency by frequently reminding them to consider the feelings of others. Do this and you’ll end up with nicer, more empathetic kids. And as a bonus, they’ll be more sensitive to making sure you have a happy Mother’s Day in the future.

• Use teachable moments to make your Mother’s Day expectations known. We have this magical idea that if our spouse and kids love us they should “know” what we want for Mother’s Day. They don’t. We have to teach them. It’s not necessary to boldly state, “This is the kind of gift I want…and oh by the way, I want it wrapped and festooned with ribbons.” But you can couch the lessons inside casual conversations about how to buy gifts for people for occasions that happen all year—birthdays, graduations, Christmas, and so forth.

Teach kids to think a little more deeply about their friends and family. When you buy a gift for someone, narrate your thought process: “I’m getting these purple gardening gloves for Grandma because she loves working in her flower bed and also because purple is her favorite color. And have you noticed that her gifts to you are nicely wrapped? That’s why I wrap hers so carefully in beautiful paper.”

Also, urge them to notice what works and what doesn’t—Aunt May has never been seen wearing the blouse they bought, but she never comes over without the earrings that were a gift.

When you teach kids how to get specific about people’s likes and dislikes, they’ll naturally apply these lessons to the gifts they buy for you. This will help ensure that you don’t get a Dustbuster…again.

• Ask a spouse or someone else to remind kids next year that the big day is coming. You want kids to see and feel gratified by your delight when they present the big gift. It’s the good feelings they get that will reinforce their newfound consideration for others. They won’t get to have that experience if they forget the day altogether.

It also helps model an important aspect of being a spouse—consideration for their mate. One day your children’s own spouses will thank you.

• Own your part of the problem. By giving up your life and your interests to be fully child-centric at all times, you’ve taught kids that nothing matters as much as their needs. Girlfriends and even spouses fall by the wayside as you spend weekend after weekend sitting in the bleachers watching your kids play endless soccer games (endless for you because you don’t participate; exciting for them because they do!). If you teach them that their needs always trump yours (the movies you see, the vacations you take, the allocation of family resources), then don’t be shocked when they learn the lesson well.

When asked about the absence of thought or presents on Mother’s Day, many kids will respond with “I was busy” or “I’m saving up for World of Warcraft.” If you hear those kinds of self-centered comments, it’s time to reorder your family priorities. Make sure everyone knows that you count! Family life is a collaborative effort. Everyone gets to play.

• Start making adulthood attractive. (Mother’s Day is a great starting point!) One of the most important things we do in encouraging our children’s growth is to make adulthood look like something to be excited about. If your child gets an Xbox for his birthday and you’re content with carnations sprayed some awful neon color, grabbed from the neighborhood supermarket bin, well, who in their right mind would want to grow up? I suggest that you bring your spouse or significant other in on Mother’s Day plans (and be sure you do the same for Father’s Day).

Make Mother’s Day exciting and about you. It’s time to stand up for yourself. Let your husband know that the 10K race he’s wanted to run—while you monitor the kids—is not your idea of a Mother’s Day present. Your delight at being really “tuned into” helps your kids learn the pleasure of really “getting” another person and assures them that all fun doesn’t end at age 12.

• Don’t expect the change to be easy. Our whole culture is centered on advancing and promoting our kids. Opting out is literally a countercultural move. It will feel uncomfortable at first—even wrong. Parenting habits are hard to break, especially when they’re supported by advertising and neighborhood values that make it seem like it’s the most natural thing in the world to be overly involved in our children’s every move. But you’re not doing kids any favors when you buy into this mindset.

Remember that the science says we’ve got it all backwards—that kids thrive when they’re challenged and not micro-managed. Have a family discussion about the changes you’d like to make and institute them slowly. It’s much better to have a slow rearranging of priorities that is successful than a radical change that falls on its face.

So starting May 12^th, why not give yourself the best Mother’s Day gift of all: Vow to make this the year you finally get a well-rounded life.

You might be surprised by what you can do over the course of a year. Let me know how next year’s Mother’s Day turns out.

# # #

About the Author:

Madeline Levine, PhD, is a clinician, consultant, and educator; the author of The Price of Privilege; and a cofounder of Challenge Success, a program founded at the Stanford School of Education that addresses education reform and student well-being. She lives outside San Francisco with her husband and is the proud mother of three newly minted adult sons.

About the Book:

Teach Your Children Well: Parenting for Authentic Success (HarperCollins, July 2012, ISBN: 978-0-0618247-4-6, $26.99) will be available at bookstores nationwide and from all major online booksellers. 

For more information, please visit www.madelinelevine.com.

Bullying? Not on My Watch! It’s (Past) Time for a Cultural Revolution

By Todd Patkin, Guest Blogger

Every few months, it seems, there’s another headline about the death of a child or teen as the result of bullying. That’s terrifying, and it’s also unacceptable. To some extent we expect to hear about economic woes, political strife, and natural disasters. We don’t expect to hear about the premature (and preventable) deaths of our young people. And we shouldn’t have to. It’s past time for America to realize that bullying is “the” problem of our day, and for parents and educators to lead the revolution on stopping this dangerous behavior.

If you’re skeptical, consider the following statistics from www.bullyingstatistics.org:

• Almost 30 percent of young people participate in bullying behaviors or are bullying victims.
• Every day, around 160,000 students do not attend school because they are afraid of being bullied.
• Young people who have been bullied are two to nine times likelier than their nonbullied peers to consider suicide.

 To put it bluntly, what we’re doing to combat bullying clearly isn’t working. Suicides are still happening, and that’s not even mentioning the thousands of kids whose lives are destroyed or diminished—but not ended—by bullying.

Yes, bullying is a big problem.

            I know from personal experience just how devastating bullying can be. Being the target of several tormenters filled my high school years with much anxiety, and the effects of being bullied lasted into my adulthood.

            My tormenters verbally abused me, and they would also push me around and knock my books or drinks out of my hands. They caused me to often dread coming to school or attending social functions. My confidence and self-esteem took a huge hit. And looking back, I believe that the negative self-image bullying cultivated lasted well into my adult years and contributed to the anxiety and depression from which I suffered.

            I’m not alone either. In fact, research has shown that the fear, social anxiety, shame, low self-esteem, and anger that bullying causes can rear their heads throughout adulthood, often at crucial moments, causing individuals who were once bullied to stick with “easy,” “safe,” or “defensive” choices instead of those that might prove most beneficial. There are definitive links between childhood bullying and adult depression. Being bullied can also lead to anger management problems and aggression in adulthood.

            The importance of combating and preventing bullying should be obvious. By preventing a young person from being bullied, we may be freeing him or her from a lifetime of feeling inadequate and being haunted by horrible memories. We may even be saving a life.

So, why isn’t the current approach working?

Yes, bullying has gotten a lot of media attention, and as a result, schools and communities are providing more and more resources for bullied kids. They’re encouraging victims to reach out for help, and they’re also instituting zero-tolerance policies aimed at the bullies themselves. But too many victims are still slipping through the cracks. Why? I believe we’re putting too much responsibility on the young people we’re trying to protect.

Schools put out a lot of rhetoric on dealing with and preventing bullying, but the problem is still rampant. That’s because our current approach revolves around requiring kids to tell on each other—and it’s not as effective as we hoped. For several reasons, young people just aren’t reporting the bullies.

First of all, kids who are being bullied often lack the self-esteem and confidence to stand up for themselves and let adults know what’s happening. They also worry that turning a tormentor in will make them new targets, or intensify the former level of bullying.

I certainly didn’t ask teachers or my parents for any help when I was in high school because I was so ashamed of my weakness in dealing with my bullies. Also, I was afraid that if my teachers or parents stepped in, their interference would just make my tormenters focus their efforts on me more. I’d be even more on the outside because I’d ratted out my peers.

I believe that many young people today feel just as powerless to speak up and “out” bullies—and I also point out that repercussions for them could be worse than those I might have faced due to cyberbullying. In other words, today’s bullies aren’t forced to stop once the school bell rings—their vicious and hurtful behavior can continue 24/7 thanks to social media sites, texting, and emails.

How much longer are we going to let this problem go on? Are we going to continue to allow more kids to become victims because, like I was, they’re too scared to speak up? Not on my watch!

Here’s what our goal should be.

We need to spark a culture-wide revolution to make bullying uncool—in fact, unacceptable! There needs to be a palpable stigma attached to tormenting and belittling another person in this way.

            I compare the bullying problem to drunk driving. Once upon a time, getting behind the wheel after a few alcoholic beverages was fairly common and casual, and was not seen as “that big of a deal”—just as, until recently, bullying was seen as “a part of kids growing up.”

Then an organization called Mothers Against Drunk Driving (MADD) took up the cause and dramatically changed the way in which Americans viewed drunk driving. Through publicity campaigns and a grassroots movement, MADD caused the public to view driving while intoxicated as something that is reprehensible, irresponsible, dangerous, and even criminal. MADD’s efforts also helped to enact stronger penalties against drunk drivers.

Similarly, bullies need to lose the ‘cool’ image that comes with being at the top of the social pecking order. The public—adults and kids alike—needs to view bullying as something that brands you with a modern-day scarlet letter. Our current zero-tolerance policies are a good start, but we need to add another prong to our anti-bullying approach. In short, parents have to lead the way (along with other students) to say that we are no longer going to accept this behavior. It has to start in your house.       

What can parents do to change things?

We as parents need to be more proactive in raising kids who are not bullies. If young people see bullying as something to avoid at all costs—something that they don’t want to participate in or allow to happen—we’ll be directly attacking the problem instead of treating the symptoms. Over time, this attitude will spread and will hopefully become just as ingrained in the public psyche as our negative views on drunk driving. The best news is, getting started is pretty simple.

First, have the bullying talk. Talk to your kids about bullying, just as you would have the drug talk or the drunk driving talk. Most parents don’t directly address this topic, perhaps because nobody ever thinks it’s their kids. (Admit it; you’ve thought something along the lines of, My child would never make fun of someone just to be mean.) And as a result, many kids don’t have a full understanding of how serious bullying and its effects can be. It’s important to be specific in defining what bullying is (make sure your child knows that it can include physical abuse, verbal taunting, online harassment, or even passing on a hurtful message or rumor), and to explain just how damaging certain words and actions can be to others—even if your child didn’t “mean” them or think they would have a lasting impact.

You should also make a point to explain that when someone commits suicide because of bullying, many lives are ruined. As a parent, you don’t want a young person’s death on your head, or on that of your child.

I am also adamant that if your child is caught bullying, you must take it very, very seriously. If you caught your child lying or stealing, you’d come down hard, right? You definitely wouldn’t brush off the behavior as “just a stage.” You’d do whatever was necessary to nip it in the bud. Treat bullying the same way.

I’m not here to tell you how to punish your child—consequences are your family’s business. Just make sure that your child knows that bullying behaviors are not okay in your family. Talk to him about why he reacted the way he did, why it was wrong, and how he can better respond in the future.

Ultimately, this is one social change that will happen because ordinary parents are purposeful in how they’re raising their children. In the past, bullies have been seen as “cool”—they’ve even been glamorized in popular culture thanks to movies like Mean Girls. We have the power and responsibility to change this view, now that we fully understand the thousands of lives that bullying affects every day. And that change must start now.  

About the Author:

Todd Patkin grew up in Needham, Massachusetts. After graduating from Tufts University, he joined the family business and spent the next eighteen years helping to grow it to new heights. After it was purchased by Advance Auto Parts in 2005, he was free to focus on his main passions: philanthropy and giving back to the community, spending time with family and friends, and helping more people learn how to be happy. Todd lives with his wonderful wife, Yadira, their amazing son, Josh, and two great dogs, Tucker and Hunter.

About the Book:

Finding Happiness: One Man’s Quest to Beat Depression and Anxiety and—Finally—Let the Sunshine In (StepWise Press, 2011, ISBN: 978-0-9658261-9-8, $19.95, www.findinghappinessthebook.com) is available at bookstores nationwide, from major online booksellers, and at www.findinghappinessthebook.com.

  

Back Away from That Marshmallow! - 8 Strategies for Teaching Your Children Self-Control

By Princess Ivana, Guest Blogger

If you haven’t heard of the Marshmallow Test, here’s how it goes: A four- to six-year-old is given a choice: Eat one marshmallow right now, or wait awhile and receive two marshmallows instead of one. The child is then left alone with the temptation—one marshmallow—and the decision.
          In the original 1960s Stanford study, it was immediately clear that children who ate the marshmallow in three minutes or less had the least self-control amongst their peers. But future follow-up revealed that they also experienced poorer outcomes overall, ranging from lower SAT scores to less stable relationships to lower career success and poorer health. Conversely, children who were able to wait the longest for the reward (and hence, doubled their pleasure) had equally consistent outcomes of greater success in school, work, relationships, and health in adulthood.
          Subsequent studies have confirmed that self-control is one of the strongest predictors for future success. So how can parents help their children acquire this valuable skill?
          “Though every child has natural tendencies toward patience or rowdy demands, self-regulation is a learned skill,” shares Princess Ivana Pignatelli Aragona Cortes, who is a featured blogger at Modern Mom, founder of Princess Ivana—The Modern Princess, and coauthor of the upcoming book A Simple Guide to Pregnancy & Baby’s First Year. “It has to do with being able to step back, weigh the choices and consequences, then make good decisions.”
          Ivana speaks from experience. While she’s a modern-day princess, she comes from modest means and met her Prince Charming while on scholarship at Pepperdine. What’s more, she has worked with children for over twenty years, has a master’s degree in education, and is a digital strategy consultant. But Ivana’s most valuable source of education by far, she says, is her experience as a mother of two.
          “It’s easy to read in a book or blog or article that your child should ideally have a laundry list of qualities, skills, and attributes, but usually, it’s much harder to cultivate those things in everyday life,” she admits. “As with most things you want your kids to learn, the key to developing self-control and perseverance is linking effort with reward.”
          It’s never too early to start giving your children the tools they’ll need to be successful throughout their lives. As you focus on this goal, remember that self-control isn’t just about waiting; it also includes self-regulation and self-motivation. Read on for eight of Pignatelli’s tips on how to help your children learn self-control:
Say no to kiddie extortion—period. Picture this: Your three-year-old comes to you and says, “Mom, I want some-a dose cookies ova dere.” You know exactly what she’s talking about: the bag of homemade chocolate chip cookies your mother-in-law dropped off earlier in the day. Problem is, it’s almost bedtime, and the last thing you want is your daughter on a sugar high. You start to shake your head, and it starts: The trembling lip. The flushed cheeks. The watering eyes. You’re tempted to give in and hand over the cookie now before the crying or—heaven forbid—full-out hysterics begin. Don’t—be strong!
“Don’t cave into whiny demands and offer a reward for a measly effort at self-control, or no effort at all,” Pignatelli urges. “This is what I call kiddie extortion: Parents are held ransom by a fitful child until they, too, want to scream. Yes, we have all been there. And I know from experience that it’s a great temptation to give them anything they want to stop the unwanted behavior. However, a better choice is to remove your child from the situation and give her some time alone to reflect and calm down. Tell her to take a deep breath and then another one. Once she has calmed down, let her know how you expect her to behave and give her another chance to succeed.”

Set reasonable expectations and consequences. Before you start a family-wide campaign focused on perfect self-control (or bust!), take a step back and think through what’s doable and reasonable. Remember, a reasonable amount of self-control will look a lot different for your six-year-old than for your two-year-old. Once you have decided on goals for each of your children, as well as consequences when expectations aren’t met, communicate those to your kids.
“When children understand what behaviors are expected of them, they are more likely to do them,” reminds Ivana. “Simple lessons on delayed gratification may include cleaning their rooms before getting TV time or, for older kids, no loans until payday when it comes to allowance. Whatever you decide, be consistent.”
Remember, not all rewards are objects. At times, it may seem like your kids are zoom-focused on getting “stuff” as rewards, whether that’s a new toy, a favorite dessert, or even a special privilege. Remember, though, that even if they don’t verbalize it, your children also value the love, approval, and time you have to give.
“Never underestimate the power of praise, hugs, treats like a trip to a favorite park, or special time together as the real rewards in life,” Pignatelli urges. “Notice when your child has done something wonderful. Say so loud and clear!”

Banish “failure” from your vocabulary. If your child is putting forth effort but getting discouraged on a project, stop and give him a hug. Encourage him to keep trying and reassure him that he can do it. And if you see that your child isn’t up to the task of finding the solution or completing the proposed project, gently suggest that he stop, take a breather, and try something else.
“One of the most crucial things in helping your children learn the pleasure of effort is letting them know that there are many solutions to any situation,” Pignatelli says. “There is no such word as ‘failure’ unless you decide to give up. Choosing to stop and try something else is not failure, but part of the creative process that often leads to better solutions.”

Help them learn through play. Ivana shares that her sister Marisa has invented a game called Jellybean Hide & Seek to teach Ivana’s two toddlers the rewards of both effort and sharing. “Close your eyes and count to ten,” she tells them, while she hides groups of two jellybeans around the house. Each time either one of the children finds the two jellybeans, the treats are shared. Thus, the success of one child becomes the success of the other—a fun lesson in teamwork.
“The kids then have the option of saving the jellybeans or eating them immediately,” Ivana adds. “Alessio, who is three, used to gobble up the treats as fast as he could get his hands on them. Now he is starting to save some of his jellybeans to savor later.”

Let them make decisions. Though we as parents would often like to step in and force our children to delay eating that proverbial marshmallow instead of indulging in the treat now, it’s good to step back from time to time and let kids take the lead.
“Yes, Mom and Dad usually know best, and dictating the ‘right’ behavior can often save time, effort, and tears,” Pignatelli acknowledges. “But sooner or later your kids will need to navigate life without you calling the shots, and good decision-making takes practice. Let your children know you have confidence in their ability to make good decisions, and very often they will.”
Repeat, repeat, repeat. If your young child accepts direction without complaint and never needs further correction, it’s time to start worrying: She may be a robot. All joking aside, though, it’s a fact of life that children often won’t absorb new behaviors the first, third, or even tenth time you offer instruction. That’s why it’s so important to repeat what you’d like them to do and why.
“Especially with very young kids, you may not see any return for awhile,” Ivana points out. “Your child just may not ‘get’ why you want her to do or not do something. The key is sticking with it. Even if you sound like a broken record, talk through your expectations again and again. Seek out examples where you see self-control or self-motivation happening, and narrate why they caught your eye. Sooner or later, your words will sink in.”
Be a good example. “Do as I say, not as I do” has never been (and never will be) a valid parenting strategy. To put it simply, kids learn the bulk of their behaviors, habits, and attitudes from watching you. That’s why it’s important to make sure you’re not invalidating your instructions with your actions.
“Believe me—I know that self-control can be hard for adults, too,” Pignatelli says. “If your kids have never caught you stuffing your face from the bag of chips in the pantry after you told them they couldn’t have any more, for example, then my hat is off to you! When you do make a mistake, be sure to acknowledge it to your children. I also suggest teaming up with them to practice self-control for both of you. For instance, you might say, ‘I know you want to go see the movie that just came out—I’d like to go with you! If you can help me pick up all your toys and put them away tonight without whining, we can go to the theater tomorrow.’”
          “At the end of the day, remember that each child is different, and each one develops at a unique rate,” Ivana concludes. “Don’t use your brother’s kids, the students in your son’s preschool class, or even his older sister as a measuring stick for success or failure. Just be persistent and consistent, and one day, you’ll be amazed and impressed by just how much self-control and persistence your child is displaying.”

# # #

About Princess Ivana:Ivana is the author of the upcoming book A Simple Guide to Pregnancy & Baby’s First Year, which was cowritten with her mother, Magdalene Smith, and her sister, Marisa Smith. Their blog, Princess Ivana—The Modern Princess, is a blend of humor, practical advice, and lifestyle tips on the essentials. Ivana is also a featured blogger on Modern Mom.

While she’s a modern-day princess, she comes from modest means and met her Italian Prince Charming (if you’re curious, he’s Adriano Pignatelli Aragona Cortes, Prince of the Holy Roman Empire) while on scholarship at Pepperdine. She didn’t wait for his kiss to save her, though—using her master’s degree in education, she forged a career of her own as a digital strategy consultant.

Ivana and her husband have two fabulous kids (ages three years and twenty months) who are the latest additions to a 1,000-year lineage that includes kings of Sicily and Spain, Catherine of Aragon, a pope, and a saint. Ivana is wild about kids and motherhood. For the past twenty years, she has worked with children, from designing learning toys to tutoring homeless kids.

Ivana’s Super Mom juggling act between life, love, kids, and career inspired her new book. She believes that life is more about attitude than money, and her goal is to help mothers live well on any budget. Consider her “Dear Abby” with a tiara and a baby sling!

Got a Bonus? Here's How to Make the Most of It

By Andrea Woroch
Guest Blogger

No matter where you work, there's always a glimmer of hope you'll find something extra in your paycheck around the holidays. In the event such dreams actually do come true, a windfall of cash can make us do some strange things. Suddenly, even the most frugal shopper is looking for any excuse to spend their extra money.

If you find yourself sitting on a pile of unexpected cash, don't start blowing through your reserves quite yet. While some may not be the most sexy options, consider a few of these possibilities to make the most of your year-end bonus.

1. Catch Up on Credit Cards
According to the Federal Reserve Board, December is when Americans acquire the most credit card debt. Last year more than $851 billion was spent using credit cards in the one month alone. If you contributed to this amount, keep some of your bonus in reserve to quickly tackle bills when they come due. Making small payments or postponing them into new year will cost you more in the long run.

2. Spend Some
No matter how financially responsible you are, it's human nature to want to treat yourself to something special. Since you worked hard to earn that bonus, there's no reason you shouldn't. However, don't throw smart spending out the window just yet. Your dollar will go further if you still take the time to compare prices and use coupons. For impromptu purchases, keep the Coupon Sherpa app installed on your smartphone for instant savings at hundreds of stores.

3. Emergency Fund
Though the Mayan apocalypse passed without incident, no one knows what the future will hold. There's no need to hoard canned food, but having an emergency fund helps ease the burden of the unexpected. Knowing you have the cash to cover repairs makes a burst pipe or car breakdown that much less stressful.

4. Plan for Taxes
Powerball winners and professional athletes are quick to tell you how distant relatives suddenly emerge from the woodwork when you make it big. Though your holiday bonus isn't likely to draw in conniving cousins, the government will still want a piece. If you're not sure what kind of tax burden to expect, hold off on most of your spending until you know what you owe. Paying taxes isn't an ideal way to use a bonus, but it's still better than dealing with the IRS.

5. Create a College Fund
For most parents, starting a college fund is always on the list of priorities. Despite the good intentions, life is filled with expenses that quickly sidetrack such plans. While you have the cash, consider setting up a 529 plan. These plans come with significant tax advantages, not to mention scholarship matching and exemption from financial aid calculations. For more information on how a 529 plan works, see what the IRS has to say.

6. Manage Your Mortgage
A mortgage is a scary commitment. Signing up to make payments for the next 30 years comes with a certain amount of stress. If you're struggling to keep up with the high monthly costs, you may want to use that holiday bonus to refinance. Mortgage rates are relatively low right now, and using that chunk of change to improve yours will keep more money around each month.

7. IRA Investment
Even if complex financial management makes your head feel like it's going to explode, a certain level of attention is still required. One of the easiest investments you can make is contributions to your individual retirement account (IRA). Those under 50 years old can contribute up to $5,000 per year, up to the amount of taxable income. Those over 50 are allowed to contribute up to $6,000 per year, not exceeding taxable income. You won't see the benefits now, but you'll appreciate it when you're retired and spending the day on the golf course.

8. Accelerate Payments
Maybe the reason so many people blow their year-end bonus is that managing money is miserable. Evaluating and improving your credit to debt ratio isn't glamorous, but it helps you get what you want in the long run. Consider doubling up on car payments or other loans you've acquired to improve your credit score and open up other financing options.

Andrea Woroch is a nationally-recognized consumer and money-saving expert who helps consumers live on less without radically changing their lifestyles. From smart spending tips to personal finance advice, Andrea transforms everyday consumers into savvy shoppers. She has been featured among top news outlets such as Good Morning America, NBC's Today, MSNBC, New York Times, Kiplinger Personal Finance, CNNMoney and many more. You can follow her on Twitter for daily savings advice and tips.

How to Talk to Your Child About the Sandy Hook School Shooting

By Vivian K. Friedman, Ph.D.

Regular Birmingham Parent Columnist & Guest Blogger

Q. With all the frightening news reported through the media, can you guide me on how and how much to tell my children?

A. The age of the child is going to be the key to what should be shared. A three year old doesn’t need to know anything. He will not hear about the tragedy from other sources. A six year old, who attends school, will hear it from peers and adults at school, and so you will want him to know it from you. A teen can legitimately be exposed to bad news because he is able to process information and understand facts and feelings. He no longer gains all his information from the family and will know whether you tell him or others do.

Preschoolers have “magical thinking.” If two events occur together, they may assume that one caused the other. For example, if their block tower falls when there is thunder outside, the preschool age child might assume that the thunder knocked his blocks down.

It is this magical thinking that can cause mis-perception and fears. Parents of children younger than  6 should be careful to check what the child has heard and to correct any misconceptions that might lead to irrational fears later on.

Young children need a protected childhood. Just as most sexual matters are not suitable for discussion in childhood, so is violence. Shield your young children from life’s horrific events and give them back innocence.  Don’t feel compelled to discuss the news with him. If possible, shield him from your tears. It is scary for the young child to see a parent cry. If he sees you cry, be sure he sees your recovery, as well.

Elementary school age children have concrete thinking. They need to be told the facts simply and directly without including too many “possibly” and “could haves”. The concretely thinking early elementary school age child will think that the man who shot the children was “more bad” for shooting 20 children than if he had shot only one. It’s the number that determines the badness- not the action he took.

Again, simplicity is the best way to tell a child, followed by asking him to repeat what he has understood. By asking him to tell you, you can avoid misunderstanding. Respond concretely, assuring him that you can protect him, even if this is not absolutely true. Children need absolute faith in the power of their parents to keep them safe. While I never advocate lying to a child, this is not the time to burden him with the limits of your power. You might want to read stories together in which the mama bear or papa tiger protects his cub. Make your child feel safe. Tell him his home and his school are safe places. Don’t forget that Sandy Hook was one event out of millions of school days and has never happened on that scale before.

Children older than 11 or 12 have abstract thought. They can understand causality and ambivalence. They can consider more than one set of facts at a time. For example, they can see that a child who breaks a whole stack of plates while helping a parent get ready for a party is less guilty than a child who breaks only one plate while getting a cookie he was not supposed to have. He can grasp that the motive- not just number of plates broken - determine the seriousness of the misdeed.

The family of a teenager should discuss the news and use it as an opportunity to talk about morals, anger management and topics like bullying. This is a teaching moment, as well as a time to share feelings and sadness with your teens. Sharing feeling about the tragedy can bring a family together. Sharing reactions to the tragedy can teach values.

 Vivian K. Fridman Ph.D. is a child and family pschologist at UAB, Department of Psychiatry.  She is a regular columnist at Birmingham Parent.