Regular Birmingham Parent Columnist & Guest Blogger
Q. With all the frightening news reported through the media,
can you guide me on how and how much to tell my children?
A. The age of the child is going to be the key to what should
be shared. A three year old doesn’t need to know anything. He will not hear about
the tragedy from other sources. A six year old, who attends school, will hear
it from peers and adults at school, and so you will want him to know it from
you. A teen can legitimately be exposed to bad news because he is able to
process information and understand facts and feelings. He no longer gains all
his information from the family and will know whether you tell him or others do.
Preschoolers have “magical thinking.” If two events occur
together, they may assume that one caused the other. For example, if their
block tower falls when there is thunder outside, the preschool age child might
assume that the thunder knocked his blocks down.
It is this magical thinking that can cause mis-perception and
fears. Parents of children younger than 6 should be careful to check what the child
has heard and to correct any misconceptions that might lead to irrational fears
later on.
Young children need a protected childhood. Just as most
sexual matters are not suitable for discussion in childhood, so is violence.
Shield your young children from life’s horrific events and give them back
innocence. Don’t feel compelled to
discuss the news with him. If possible, shield him from your tears. It is scary
for the young child to see a parent cry. If he sees you cry, be sure he sees
your recovery, as well.
Elementary school age children have concrete thinking. They
need to be told the facts simply and directly without including too many “possibly”
and “could haves”. The concretely thinking early elementary school age child
will think that the man who shot the children was “more bad” for shooting 20
children than if he had shot only one. It’s the number that determines the
badness- not the action he took.
Again, simplicity is the best way to tell a child, followed
by asking him to repeat what he has understood. By asking him to tell you, you
can avoid misunderstanding. Respond concretely, assuring him that you can
protect him, even if this is not absolutely true. Children need absolute faith
in the power of their parents to keep them safe. While I never advocate lying
to a child, this is not the time to burden him with the limits of your power.
You might want to read stories together in which the mama bear or papa tiger
protects his cub. Make your child feel safe. Tell him his home and his school
are safe places. Don’t forget that Sandy Hook was one event out of millions of
school days and has never happened on that scale before.
Children older than 11 or 12 have abstract thought. They can
understand causality and ambivalence. They can consider more than one set of
facts at a time. For example, they can see that a child who breaks a whole
stack of plates while helping a parent get ready for a party is less guilty
than a child who breaks only one plate while getting a cookie he was not
supposed to have. He can grasp that the motive- not just number of plates
broken - determine the seriousness of the misdeed.
The family of a teenager should discuss the news and use it
as an opportunity to talk about morals, anger management and topics like bullying.
This is a teaching moment, as well as a time to share feelings and sadness with
your teens. Sharing feeling about the tragedy can bring a family together.
Sharing reactions to the tragedy can teach values.
Vivian K. Fridman Ph.D. is a child and family pschologist at UAB, Department of Psychiatry. She is a regular columnist at Birmingham Parent.
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