Happy Annoying Thanksgiving and Merry Irritating Christmas: How to Avoid Conflict with Five Traditional Holiday Grinches

By Geoffrey Tumlin, Guest Blogger

Does this holiday scenario sound familiar? Aunt Sally and Uncle Billy show up at your house for Thanksgiving dinner. Before the turkey even comes out of the oven, Aunt Sally criticizes you about your cooking and cleaning and deflates your holiday spirit. Uncle Billy then spoils the holiday dinner—again—by picking political fights with everyone at the table. Later, your cousin Connie corners you in the kitchen and discloses way too much information about her personal life, while your other cousin Mike embarrasses you by asking why you haven’t been promoted yet. Meanwhile, your father-in-law drives you nuts with his unsolicited career advice. It seems, once again, like this year’s holiday season will be awash with irritating and/or awkward moments courtesy of your beloved relatives.

If the above scenario hits a little too close to home, you’re not alone. For many of us, spending time in close quarters with people who push our buttons is what comes with the holiday territory. Unfortunately, the comments we must fend off from the holiday Grinches in our lives can easily lead to volatile interactions.

We want joy and peace during the holidays, but we often end up with frustration and conflict. It’s no surprise that 24 percent of respondents to a Consumer Reports poll admit that a few relatives make them dread the holidays. But it doesn’t have to be this way. The holidays are the worst time of year for strife and anxiety because we’re supposed to be celebrating and strengthening our most important relationships. It’s up to us to prevent holiday irritants and challenging family members from hijacking our good cheer.

When you get right down to it, most holiday arguments are pointless and counterproductive: Do Uncle Billy’s politics really matter? So what if our father-in-law gives us questionable career advice or a cousin asks us awkward questions? And why should Aunt Sally’s cooking critiques get under our skin so much?

We make two errors when we react to irritating people at the holidays. First, we escalate a frustrating or awkward moment into a damaging one. And second, we erroneously magnify the influence of people who really aren’t much of a factor in our daily lives.

Instead of being drawn into fights when there’s supposed to be peace on earth and goodwill toward all men—including Uncle Billy—letting go of most irritants and sidestepping virtually all conflict are smart ways to preserve holiday harmony.

And that’s where my new book, Stop Talking, Start Communicating: Counterintuitive Secrets to Success in Business and in Life, comes in. Full of counterintuitive yet concrete advice, it draws on my experience as a communication consultant to show readers how to improve their interactions with loved ones at the holidays and beyond to prevent damaging conflict and to develop more productive communication habits.

Here, I share ideas for ducking unnecessary arguments with five common types of holiday Grinches, whom you might encounter during one of this year’s holiday gatherings.

The constant critic. Aunt Sally finds fault with the way you run your household…and so much more.

          The holidays provide a target-rich environment for critics: The cooking, the cleaning, the kids, your house, and more are on display. But even the most persistent critic loses interest when his or her jabs don’t get a response.

          Critics want to get a rise out of you, so thoughtless reactions are counterproductive because they give the critic exactly what she wants. The most effective way to discourage a critic is to withhold a response.

          One of the hardest things to do at the holidays—or any time of year—is to hold your tongue in the presence of a nitpicker. But that’s precisely the best course of action. Take a breath, say nothing, and let it go. Silence reduces the motivation of a critic much more than a visible response. For your own proof, look no farther than last year.

         You’ve probably already tried reacting by jabbing back at a critic, and that didn’t work because your sharp jab likely triggered her right hook and further escalation. So why not try the opposite approach this year? Don’t fuel a critic’s tank by giving her the response she wants. Ignore her thrust instead and she’ll be more likely to lose interest.

         The graceless questioner. Your cousin Mike asks: “Weren’t you supposed to get a promotion last year?” and “How come you aren’t married yet?”

         How can Mike manage to eat the holiday meal with his foot constantly in his mouth? His underdeveloped tactfulness radar just doesn’t do a good job of filtering out inappropriate questions. He may not intend to cause awkwardness and embarrassment, but that’s the end result.

        Don’t escalate an uncomfortable situation into a damaging one by taking offense at a poorly conceived question. Instead, answer as simply and as blandly as possible: “Promotions are on hold company-wide because of budget constraints” or “I’m still looking for Ms. Right.”

       The goal when facing an embarrassing question is to move away from it as quickly as possible. Anything you do that highlights the question or extends the conversation, like getting upset or giving a long answer, will be counterproductive. Quick and boring answers are your very best responses to graceless questioners like Mike.

       The relentless arguer. Uncle Billy wants to argue with you about politics, current event, or virtually anything.

       Uncle Billy will debate you about the president, argue about the gold standard, and then tangle with you about the best team in the NFL. (Hint: It’s not your team.) But here’s the thing: These are the same arguments you had with him last year, and the year before that, and the year before that.

       The clearest indicator that a holiday fight is useless is if you argue about the same thing every year. Your prior arguments haven’t delivered anything except ruffled feathers and quickened heart rates. So why not change the subject or avoid tangling with a relentless arguer entirely this holiday season? Don’t expect a change from Uncle Billy—he’s a serial arguer—but that doesn’t mean that bickering with him is inevitable.

      If you don’t want to argue, don’t. Practice your listening skills instead and bone up on the fine art of rendering a well-placed “um-hmm.” It takes two to tangle, but you can be the one who creates harmony by disengaging from useless holiday arguments.

      The unsolicited advisor. Your father-in-law knows just what you should be doing to get ahead at work and—for that matter—in all facets of your life.

      Your father-in-law, who retired right around the time the Interweb was getting hooked up, somehow fancies himself a wellspring of contemporary career knowledge. However, his well-meaning—but outdated—advice drives you nuts. What should you do? Absolutely nothing.

      Be honest. you’re not going to act on unsolicited advice anyway, so you might as well let the other person talk. People who give unsolicited advice are often doing it as much for themselves as they are doing it for you.

      Your father-in-law’s career advice probably stems from his hopes that everything will be rosy for your family. As long as he’s giving advice and not harping on what you’re doing wrong, his intentions are probably admirable. His advice isn’t going to hurt you, but may help him feel better, so let the guy talk. The last thing you want to do is overreact to his honorable intentions and cause real damage.

      The shameless discloser. Your cousin Connie tells you—and anyone else within earshot—way too much about what’s going on in her private life.

      For some reason, your cousin Connie appears unfamiliar with the concept of too much information. She readily discloses unflattering personal information about her new boyfriend and the results of her most recent medical exam. Her private disclosures have become staples of your holidays just like the turkey and dressing.

      Of course, we shouldn’t blow off meaningful disclosures, but those aren’t the kinds of secrets that drive us crazy. It’s one thing to provide an empathetic ear to Connie if she’s having problems with her boyfriend, but another matter entirely to hear private relationship information. You would commiserate with Connie all day long about a real health issue, but the specifics of her physical exam are definitely details you could have done without.

     Why does Connie disclose so many unflattering secrets? Who knows? Maybe she craves attention, maybe she wants to see a reaction, or maybe she just doesn’t perceive her secrets as being such a big deal. Whatever the reason, your response is the same.

     The best strategy for handling awkward disclosures is to play dumb and not express any interest whatsoever. Pretend like the discloser is reciting her grocery list and put on your best poker face. With any luck, she’ll take the hint and stop spilling her secrets.

Most of the people who antagonize us during the holidays are scarcely a presence in our lives the other 360+ days of the year. Don’t permit yourself to have a reactive response to any holiday Grinch or frustrating family member. To do so will transform an awkward moment into a damaging one. There’s a lot to celebrate when you don’t allow challenging people to get under your skin during the holidays.

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About the Author:

Geoffrey Tumlin is the author of Stop Talking, Start Communicating: Counterintuitive Secrets to Success in Business and in Life. He is the founder and CEO of Mouthpeace Consulting LLC, a communication consulting company; president of On-Demand Leadership, a leadership development company; and founder and board chair of Critical Skills Nonprofit, a 501(c)(3) public charity dedicated to providing communication and leadership skills training to chronically underserved populations. His writing on communication and leadership has appeared in scholarly journals, newspapers, and textbooks, including Discourse Studies, the International Leadership Journal, the Encyclopedia of Leadership, the Austin American-Statesman, and five editions of Professional Communication Skills.

Tumlin holds a PhD and an MA in communication from the University of Texas at Austin and a BS from West Point. He received the Eyes of Texas Excellence Award in 2010 for his work as the assistant director of the Center for Ethical Leadership at the University of Texas at Austin. He was a faculty fellow at the University of Texas at Austin’s RGK Center for Philanthropy and Community Service and a Cátedras Laboris Fellow at the University of Monterrey in Nuevo León, Mexico.

Tumlin currently serves as trustee of the National Communication Association’s Mark L. Knapp Award Individual Endowment, the most prestigious interpersonal communication honor bestowed annually by the National Communication Association in recognition of career contributions to the academic study of interpersonal communication. Tumlin has taught thousands of people about communication and leadership and has consulted with some of the most prestigious organizations in the world, including Shell Oil, Wyeth Pharmaceuticals, the Boston Scientific Corporation, Hibernia National Bank (now Capital One Bank), Blue Star Management, and the Honolulu Police Department. He lives in Austin, Texas.

You can learn more about Geoffrey Tumlin at www.tumlin.com, and you can reach him by e-mail at geoff@tumlin.com.

About the Book:

Stop Talking, Start Communicating: Counterintuitive Secrets to Success in Business and in Life (McGraw-Hill, August 2013, ISBN: 978-0-0718130-4-4, $20.00, www.tumlin.com) is available at bookstores nationwide, from major online booksellers, and at www.tumlin.com.

"Thank-Yous" Every Father Should Hear

If you’re searching for a meaningful Father’s Day gift, look no further: Here, I

share eleven “thank-yous” that dads everywhere would love to hear.

By Todd Patkin

On Sunday, June 16^th—otherwise known as Father’s Day—dads around America will receive ties, tools, and other “toys” from their children. Sure, those gifts (as well as cards, visits, and family meals) are a great way to let Pops know that you love him and that you’re glad he’s part of your life. But as you and he get older, there’s an even better way to honor your dad on Father’s Day: Tell him thank you and mean it.

All parents are different, but one thing they have in common is that they want the best for their children. As a father myself, I can tell you that while we all make mistakes from time to time, we genuinely do our best to help our kids to be capable, responsible, and fulfilled adults.

Because our parents tend to be such constant presences in our lives, we often take them—and everything they’ve done for us—for granted. Father’s Day is the perfect time to think about all of the ways in which your dad has impacted your life, and hopefully, give him the gift of heartfelt thanks.

In my book, Finding Happiness: One Man’s Quest to Beat Depression and Anxiety and—Finally—Let the Sunshine In, I acknowledge that stereotypically speaking, men aren’t supposed to be very “touchy-feely.” But I promise you, when it comes to your kids, all of those rules go out the window. I cherish every “I love you,” “thanks,” and genuine smile I’ve ever gotten from my son. It’s incredibly heartwarming and fulfilling to hear directly from your child that he or she thinks you’ve done a good job as a parent.

Here, I share eleven “thank-yous” that might just make your own dad’s Father’s Day perfect:

• Thank you for almost always making time to come to my games, concerts, and awards ceremonies. I know you were under pressure and busy a lot of the time, so your priorities taught me that family and relationships are always more important than work and outside achievements.
• Thank you for supporting me when I decided I’d rather be in the school band than play basketball. The fact that you clapped loudest at our concert let me know unequivocally that you love me for who I am—especially since you were the star point guard during your own high school days!
• Thank you for making me help with yard work and home improvement projects on the weekends. I may not have enjoyed it at the time, but you taught me the value of hard work. Because of you, I take pride in a job well done, no matter how large or small!
• Thank you for teaching me to ride a bike, and especially for encouraging me to get back up and try again when I fell. I learned that persistence and practice pay off, and that the results can be fantastic!
• Thank you for coaching my YMCA sports teams. You showed me what good sportsmanship looks like and taught me why it’s important to shake hands after every game, even if we lost! In all aspects of my adult life, I know how to lose (and win!) with grace because of you, Dad. And even though I’ve aged out of Little League, I also exercise on a regular basis and try to stay physically fit.
• Thank you for disciplining me and telling me why you were disappointed. I certainly didn’t enjoy being punished, but now I have a strong set of core values and a firm sense of right and wrong.
• Thank you for teaching me how to drive and for remaining patient throughout the process—I know I wasn’t always the nicest student. Now I can merge, parallel park, and back like a pro. (But I’m still trying to beat your least-number-of-stops-on-the-way-to-the-beach record!)
• Thank you for showing me that there’s a difference between being aggressively confrontational and being politely firm. Because of you I stick to my convictions and don’t let others take advantage of me while remaining respectful.
• Thank you for making executive decisions on everything from where to eat dinner to when to leave the neighbors’ holiday party to which movie to watch on family night. These examples may seem insignificant, but over the years you taught me the value of knowing your mind and acting decisively. You saved me a lot of waffling, hemming, and hawing!
• Thank you for always treating Mom with respect, patience, love, and sometimes a little mischievousness. You taught me how to treat someone you love and what a strong marriage looks like. Now I have a great relationship—and a lot of fun—with my own partner.

And for men specifically, I suggest this acknowledgment:

• Thank you for teaching me the “essentials” like how to tie a tie, iron a crease into slacks, shine my shoes, and shave. While I might not put all of those skills to use every day, I always take pride in my appearance…and I think I do “clean up” nicely!

Whether you write your own personalized thank-yous in a card or share them with your dad in person, you can rest assured that this will be a Father’s Day he’ll remember forever.

# # #

About the Author:

Todd Patkin, author of Finding Happiness: One Man’s Quest to Beat Depression and Anxiety and—Finally—Let the Sunshine In, Twelve Weeks to Finding Happiness: Boot Camp for Building Happier People, and The Sunny Days Secret: A Guide for Finding Happiness (coming 2014), grew up in Needham, Massachusetts. After graduating from Tufts University, he joined the family business and spent the next eighteen years helping to grow it to new heights. After it was purchased by Advance Auto Parts in 2005, he was free to focus on his main passions: philanthropy and giving back to the community, spending time with family and friends, and helping more people learn how to be happy. Todd lives with his wonderful wife, Yadira, their amazing son, Josh, and two great dogs, Tucker and Hunter.

About the Books:

Finding Happiness: One Man’s Quest to Beat Depression and Anxiety and—Finally—Let the Sunshine In (StepWise Press, 2011, ISBN: 978-0-9658261-9-8, $19.95) is available at bookstores nationwide, from major online booksellers, and at www.findinghappinessthebook.com.

Twelve Weeks to Finding Happiness: Boot Camp for Building Happier People (New Focus Press, 2012, ISBN: 978-0-9885092-0-7, $13.99) is available from Amazon.com.

Cell Phones, Summer and Your Child's Safety

 By Amy Lupold Bair

Summer is here, and your kids are thrilled that they won’t be restricted by classroom walls for the next few months. Whether your children’s plans include camp, vacation, sports, sleepovers, playdates, a job, or just roaming the neighborhood, one thing’s for sure: Cell phones can be a lifesaver. As any parent of an active child or teen knows, nothing can compare to the peace of mind you feel when your daughter texts to say she’s arrived at her friend’s house in one piece…or the convenience of being able to call your son to let him know you’ll be at the soccer field to pick him up in ten minutes.
          Still, you may be wondering: When’s the best time for your children to join the cell-phone-toting crowd? Which model is best? And how will you keep your kids safe throughout the summer…and beyond? Not to worry: The popular For Dummies^® series is here to help you think through all of these questions and many more.

          “Kids as young as elementary school age carry mobile phones and use technology ranging from texting to online chats,” points out Amy Lupold Bair, author of Raising Digital Families For Dummies^® (Wiley, April 2013, ISBN: 978-1-1184-8508-8, $21.99). “And it’s true that providing your child with a mobile phone is a great way for your kids to stay connected with you when they’re out with friends, at work, or attending extracurricular activities. Just be sure that you’re taking precautions to ensure that your kids are using mobile phones responsibly and safely.”
          The key to making mobile phones work for your family during any season is to set clear guidelines by age group and location, focusing on each of the phone’s capabilities. Lupold Bair recommends writing these guidelines down in your Digital Family Policy, which is a comprehensive document that covers how, when, where, and why your family uses technology.
          “Your family’s rules should change with technological innovation as well as with the growth and maturation of your children,” she recommends. “During the summer especially, I would suggest being more lenient with when, where, why, and for how long kids can talk, text, and play games on their phones. Just make sure that all changed rules—and corresponding consequences—are mutually understood and agreed upon.
          “There’s one more thing to pay close attention to if you have a teenager in charge of his or her own transportation: texting or talking while driving,” Lupold Bair adds. “According to AAA, Memorial Day to Labor Day constitutes “The 100 Deadliest Days” for teen drivers, so have a serious talk with your teen about the dangers of distracted driving. You might even consider asking him or her to sign a pledge to keep the phone out of sight while in the car.”
          Here, Lupold Bair shares nine things to think about when determining what your children’s mobile phone usage should look like:

Determine the right age to get a phone. Odds are, your tech-savvy child will start asking for a mobile phone long before you’re comfortable with providing one. But sooner or later, you’ll think about relenting. Your child’s extracurricular schedule will get too busy and unpredictable, perhaps, or you’d like her to have a way to communicate with you while she’s at camp. Or you might simply decide that she’s finally mature enough to handle the responsibility!
“In addition to ‘biggies’ such as the need to communicate, safety concerns, and your child’s maturity, there are several other questions to consider when determining the right time to purchase your child’s first mobile phone,” Lupold Bair says. “How tech-savvy is she? Will she follow the rules you set up? Does she understand that acceptable mobile phone usage might differ throughout the day; for example, what’s okay at home may not be okay at sports practice? And does your family budget allow for the additional monthly cost?”

Choose from call-only, kid-friendly, and prepaid phone options. Despite what your kids may try to tell you, a smartphone with all of the bells and whistles isn’t the only mobile phone option you should consider. If you want your child to have a phone for safety or convenience but decide that he doesn’t need smartphone functionality, you may want to purchase a model with limited functions. First, determine whether you would like to purchase a standard phone contract or a prepaid phone plan, such as a phone with limited monthly minutes or one for which you can add minutes at a set rate per minute.
“Chances are, your wireless phone service provider offers devices that don’t include the data plans that come standard with a smartphone,” Lupold Bair comments. “While these phones typically include additional features (cameras and texting capability), you can indeed purchase a phone without being saddled with a texting or data plan. Before making a decision, you’ll want to compare costs, look into whether additional features such as texting are available on certain models, and decide whether you want your child’s phone to be locked into a contract.”

Prepare your kids for safe phone use. After you determine that your child is old enough to have a mobile device of her own, you’ll want to take a few precautions to ensure that she uses the device safely. First, focus on the phone itself. Set up parental controls; help your child select and set up a password; and add important phone numbers to the phone, including your own, emergency numbers, and those of any relatives and friends you’d like your child to have access to.
“Secondly, talk to your child about phone usage rules you expect her to follow,” suggests Lupold Bair. “Discuss appropriate usage, phone curfews, guidelines for when to share concerns with adults, rules regarding texting and apps, and what your child should do when answering calls from numbers she doesn’t recognize, to name a few examples. Again, I recommend writing all of these rules down—along with consequences if they’re broken—in your Digital Family Policy.”

Compare limit options through your service provider. Every mobile service provider offers products and services to help parents set limits and protect their children. Depending on which company your contract is with, you might be able to add a filter that blocks sites with mature content from your child’s phone, for example. Other optional features may allow you to remotely locate your child’s phone, block certain numbers from calling it, or control how much data is used each month—and more.
“Before committing to a certain phone or plan, be sure to ask a representative of your mobile service provider about which limits are available,” Lupold Bair says. “If you add a few well-placed controls before giving your child a phone, you can save yourself a lot of worry, money, and trouble!”

Learn about parental controls available by mobile phone device platform. In addition to controls set by your mobile service provider, many mobile phone models and platforms allow you to set additional limits regarding what your child can and can’t do on her phone. Learn what you can about content control, access to apps, privacy settings, and so on—and take advantage of them!
“Many parents aren’t aware that they can restrict access to apps and web browsing, for example, or prevent their child from viewing specific types of content,” shares Lupold Bair. “You might also be able to block changes to the phone’s privacy settings, restrict access to multiplayer games, and even set volume limits!”

Use monitors and restrictions for content and usage amounts. When you’re a parent, there’s no such thing as too much control when it comes to your child’s safety, right? If your head is nodding right now, you’ll be happy to know that in addition to controls available from mobile service providers and those that are built into phones themselves, you have one more line of defense: parental control software or applications.
“You can find programs to monitor and control usage, block content, and locate your children through their phones,” Lupold Bair asserts. “For example, PhoneSheriff allows parents to block functions according to time of day, track the mobile device via GPS, block communication with certain numbers, and record all text messages and phone calls. Mobistealth allows you to access your child’s location in real-time as well as through a historical tracker, record calls, listen live to calls, access an activity log, view web history, and view contact details.”

Think about GPS and your children’s privacy. Increasingly, mobile phones—especially the “smart” types—come equipped with built-in GPS. The upside, of course, is that GPS allows you to locate your child via his phone. However, GPS also allows applications, services, and potential predators to locate your children—so be very careful.
“If you and your child choose to keep the GPS function activated on his mobile phone, consider asking him to opt out of allowing applications such as Facebook and Twitter to access this function,” recommends Lupold Bair. “Applications that allow your teen to check in at specific locations publicly alert strangers to where he is. Some programs even allow friends to post your child’s location without your child’s permission.”

Discuss texting and driving. A 2012 study by the University of Michigan found that more than 25 percent of teens admitted to reading or sending a text message while behind the wheel, making them far more likely to be in an accident. And as Lupold Bair has already pointed out, the days between Memorial Day and Labor Day are “The 100 Deadliest Days” for teen drivers. Some of the implications of texting and driving are a parent’s worst nightmare.
“Yes, you can place apps on your child’s phone to help prevent her from texting and driving, but be sure to also talk to her about the dangers, and to include rules about texting and driving in your Digital Family Policy,” urges Lupold Bair. “Also, remember that kids watch you to know which behaviors are and aren’t appropriate. If you don’t want them to text and drive, make sure that you aren’t texting while driving, either!”

Talk to your children about sexting. According to the Pew Research Center, sending a sexual text message with or without a photograph affects at least 15 percent of teens; that is, they’ve received this type of message via their mobile phone. Parents need to talk frankly with their children about this dangerous trend—and include rules and consequences in their Digital Family Policy—before providing kids with access to a phone that supports text.
“When talking with your children about sexting, create a plan for what your child should do if he receives a sexting message from someone,” Lupold Bair suggests. “Remind him not to immediately delete inappropriate messages because they could be crucial if you need to report potentially dangerous behavior. Also, be sure to discuss the consequences of sexting—other people could be humiliated or hurt emotionally, and so could your child. Some sexting might even break child pornography laws. Finally, encourage your children to come to you if they feel pressure to participate in this type of behavior.”

          “Since the invention of the telephone, kids and teens have loved using them to connect,” concludes Lupold Bair. “This generation just has a lot more bells and whistles to contend with! As a parent, the best thing you can do when giving your child a mobile phone is to be fully informed about how the phone works, what it’s capable of, and the dangers your child might face. Then, address all potential problems and concerns up-front. Here’s to making the most of being connected this summer—and beyond!”

# # #

About the Author:
Amy Lupold Bair is the author of Raising Digital Families For Dummies^®. She is the founder of Resourceful Mommy Media, inventor of the Twitter Party, and developer of the Global Influence Network for social media-savvy bloggers like herself. Amy shares the wisdom of a mom and the feedback of a thoughtful consumer on her blog, ResourcefulMommy.com.

About the Book:
Raising Digital Families For Dummies^® (Wiley, April 2013, ISBN: 978-1-1184-8508-8, $21.99) is available at bookstores nationwide, major online booksellers, or directly from the publisher by calling (877) 762-2974. For more information, please visit the book’s page at www.wiley.com.

Have a Happy Mother's Day....2014

This Mother’s Day could already be a lost cause—but you can create thoughtful, caring kids who won’t give you generic greeting cards or “dumpster flowers” next year. Here, I offer six tips for changing the message you’re sending your kids—and creating a better life for yourself in the process.

  

By Madeline Levine, PhD

Be honest, mothers. Is that special Sunday in May really that special? Or is it a bitter disappointment? For too many mothers, at least those of us in a brutally honest mood, the answer is the latter. Once our kids get past the preschool-mandated handprint artwork—which back then moved us to tears—the gifts become less and less thoughtful. A generic card. A generic bouquet. Maybe just a halfhearted hug or even an obligatory phone call.

            The problem isn’t the gift itself, of course. It’s the feeling (or lack thereof) behind the gift. Frankly, we deserve more from our kids. After all, we’ve selflessly devoted our entire lives to them, haven’t we? Yes, we have—and that’s a big part of the problem.

            On a recent Mother’s Day my phone was ringing off the hook. So many moms were feeling hurt and unappreciated. Thoughtful gifts were practically nonexistent, and the few kids who managed to bring flowers brought, in the words of one of these moms, “the tiredest flowers I’ve ever seen. I’d swear they came from a dumpster.”

            The moms who got late-in-the-day phone calls tried hard to feel content with “just hearing my daughter’s voice.” These kids have been shown that we expect so little, are entitled to so little, that the mere sound of their voice is enough.

            Who showed them that? Why, that would be us mothers! When we devote everything to our kids—all our free time, all our energy, all our disposable income—we shouldn’t be surprised when they come to believe the moon and stars revolve around them. Entitled children are the inevitable outcome of time and resources that are wildly and disproportionately assigned to the children and not the adults in the family.

            If this all hits painfully close to home—and if you’re reading it two days before Mother’s Day—you probably don’t have high hopes for the big day.  And you’re right.  You might as well brace yourself for a disappointing May 12^th.

            But here’s the good news: It’s not too late for Mother’s Day next year. The change in your kids won’t happen overnight, but you can start to slowly turn this (unsatisfying) ship around.

            Here are a few tips to get you started:

• All year long, seize opportunities to teach empathy. Ask your kids, “How would you feel if it was your birthday and no one noticed?” But also ask them, “How do you feel when somebody remembers something special?” For younger kids, have them consider their own feelings. (That’s what they’re best at!) For older kids, ask them to put themselves in the shoes of someone else. “How do you think Grandma felt when we all came over for Thanksgiving? What would it have been like for her if no one showed up?”

Kids are naturally self-centered, but you can counter that tendency by frequently reminding them to consider the feelings of others. Do this and you’ll end up with nicer, more empathetic kids. And as a bonus, they’ll be more sensitive to making sure you have a happy Mother’s Day in the future.

• Use teachable moments to make your Mother’s Day expectations known. We have this magical idea that if our spouse and kids love us they should “know” what we want for Mother’s Day. They don’t. We have to teach them. It’s not necessary to boldly state, “This is the kind of gift I want…and oh by the way, I want it wrapped and festooned with ribbons.” But you can couch the lessons inside casual conversations about how to buy gifts for people for occasions that happen all year—birthdays, graduations, Christmas, and so forth.

Teach kids to think a little more deeply about their friends and family. When you buy a gift for someone, narrate your thought process: “I’m getting these purple gardening gloves for Grandma because she loves working in her flower bed and also because purple is her favorite color. And have you noticed that her gifts to you are nicely wrapped? That’s why I wrap hers so carefully in beautiful paper.”

Also, urge them to notice what works and what doesn’t—Aunt May has never been seen wearing the blouse they bought, but she never comes over without the earrings that were a gift.

When you teach kids how to get specific about people’s likes and dislikes, they’ll naturally apply these lessons to the gifts they buy for you. This will help ensure that you don’t get a Dustbuster…again.

• Ask a spouse or someone else to remind kids next year that the big day is coming. You want kids to see and feel gratified by your delight when they present the big gift. It’s the good feelings they get that will reinforce their newfound consideration for others. They won’t get to have that experience if they forget the day altogether.

It also helps model an important aspect of being a spouse—consideration for their mate. One day your children’s own spouses will thank you.

• Own your part of the problem. By giving up your life and your interests to be fully child-centric at all times, you’ve taught kids that nothing matters as much as their needs. Girlfriends and even spouses fall by the wayside as you spend weekend after weekend sitting in the bleachers watching your kids play endless soccer games (endless for you because you don’t participate; exciting for them because they do!). If you teach them that their needs always trump yours (the movies you see, the vacations you take, the allocation of family resources), then don’t be shocked when they learn the lesson well.

When asked about the absence of thought or presents on Mother’s Day, many kids will respond with “I was busy” or “I’m saving up for World of Warcraft.” If you hear those kinds of self-centered comments, it’s time to reorder your family priorities. Make sure everyone knows that you count! Family life is a collaborative effort. Everyone gets to play.

• Start making adulthood attractive. (Mother’s Day is a great starting point!) One of the most important things we do in encouraging our children’s growth is to make adulthood look like something to be excited about. If your child gets an Xbox for his birthday and you’re content with carnations sprayed some awful neon color, grabbed from the neighborhood supermarket bin, well, who in their right mind would want to grow up? I suggest that you bring your spouse or significant other in on Mother’s Day plans (and be sure you do the same for Father’s Day).

Make Mother’s Day exciting and about you. It’s time to stand up for yourself. Let your husband know that the 10K race he’s wanted to run—while you monitor the kids—is not your idea of a Mother’s Day present. Your delight at being really “tuned into” helps your kids learn the pleasure of really “getting” another person and assures them that all fun doesn’t end at age 12.

• Don’t expect the change to be easy. Our whole culture is centered on advancing and promoting our kids. Opting out is literally a countercultural move. It will feel uncomfortable at first—even wrong. Parenting habits are hard to break, especially when they’re supported by advertising and neighborhood values that make it seem like it’s the most natural thing in the world to be overly involved in our children’s every move. But you’re not doing kids any favors when you buy into this mindset.

Remember that the science says we’ve got it all backwards—that kids thrive when they’re challenged and not micro-managed. Have a family discussion about the changes you’d like to make and institute them slowly. It’s much better to have a slow rearranging of priorities that is successful than a radical change that falls on its face.

So starting May 12^th, why not give yourself the best Mother’s Day gift of all: Vow to make this the year you finally get a well-rounded life.

You might be surprised by what you can do over the course of a year. Let me know how next year’s Mother’s Day turns out.

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About the Author:

Madeline Levine, PhD, is a clinician, consultant, and educator; the author of The Price of Privilege; and a cofounder of Challenge Success, a program founded at the Stanford School of Education that addresses education reform and student well-being. She lives outside San Francisco with her husband and is the proud mother of three newly minted adult sons.

About the Book:

Teach Your Children Well: Parenting for Authentic Success (HarperCollins, July 2012, ISBN: 978-0-0618247-4-6, $26.99) will be available at bookstores nationwide and from all major online booksellers. 

For more information, please visit www.madelinelevine.com.