Why “Keeping Up with the Joneses” Is Actually Keeping You Down—and Nine Good Reasons to Stop Doing It

Most of us have an ingrained, unconscious drive to keep up with the Joneses (or, as we’re more likely to think of it, the status quo). But instead of creating fulfilling lives, we’re actually making ourselves anxious and unhappy.

By Donna Skeels Cygan   

The American Dream has evolved past the humble “white picket fence.” Way past. We all strive for the “nice” home (as defined by HGTV and Pinterest) as opposed to the cozy one, keep a perpetual car payment instead of driving an older model, and chauffeur kids to an endless array of pricey activities rather than sending them outside. Call it creeping consumerism, entitlement, or plain old peer pressure. The point is, we see our hectic and expensive lifestyles as normal—and it’s time we realized that keeping up with the proverbial Joneses is actually extravagant and irresponsible.

The Joneses you’re trying to keep up with aren’t the doctors and lawyers two streets over. They’re the middle managers, teachers, and laundromat owners next door, and—guess what?—they’re as anxious and unhappy as you are. That’s why I want to reframe our perspective on what’s “normal” and adopt a simpler lifestyle with less debt and stress.

 Fulfilling lives are lives based on your core values, not the ones society dictates. It’s amazing how many of us feel we have to live in the right neighborhood or drive a new car just because our peers do.

Often, happiness means making a deliberate choice to stop keeping up with the Joneses. You have to pay attention and get mindful about where your money goes. It’s worth the effort. The consequences of living beyond our means outweigh the short-term satisfaction we feel when we pull out a credit card to make another upgrade. Lavish spending just does not make us happy at all (at least not for long). Sane, smart money management does.

I point to Denmark, which, according to data collected by the Gallup Organization, was ranked as the happiest country in the world in recent years. The results are summarized in the World Happiness Report 2013, and the U.S. came in at 17. While many factors contribute to Denmark’s ranking, Danes’ attitude toward money is certainly one of them.

In Denmark, modesty is a virtue, and showing off is looked down upon. Overall, Danes don’t feel the need to pursue bigger homes, nicer cars, and more fashionable clothes—and consequently, they carry less unnecessary debt. Danes also place a high priority on living a socially balanced life, setting aside time to spend with their families and friends.

In my book The Joy of Financial Security, I combine financial expertise with research from psychology, neuroscience, and economics to shine a light on the complex relationship between money and happiness. Here, I highlight nine financial and psychological benefits of cutting ties with the Joneses:

You’ll set a sane, sustainable example for your children. For many families, choosing to stop emulating the Joneses will mean making significant, tangible changes in everyday life: canceling your premium cable package, dining out less, or setting a limit for back-to-school clothes spending, for example. And that’s a good thing, because it provides you the opportunity to sit down with your children and have an important financial conversation.

Walk your children through the changes you’re making and point out how much money you’ll be saving. Then, explain your reasoning: “We are saving for your college education…we are saving for our retirement…we are living within our means.” Be sure to point out that being in control of your finances positively impacts your peace of mind.

You’ll be able to set up an emergency fund. Emergency funds may not seem like a top priority…until you absolutely, positively need one because you lost your job, or because the septic tank flooded, or because your car broke down.

Often, people end up putting unexpected expenses on their credit cards when they don’t have an emergency fund to tap into. It can take years to climb out of the deep, dark hole the debt creates. Don’t underestimate the peace of mind an emergency fund can bring, whether you end up using it or not. If you don’t already have enough saved to cover expenses for six months, make this your top priority.

You’ll be in a position to fund your future. You know that you should be aggressively saving: for the traveling you want to do, to help fund your kids’ college educations, and especially for your own retirement. But when you’re figuring out how to allocate each month’s paycheck, other (often unnecessary) expenses always take precedence, despite your best intentions. This trend is more widespread than you might think: 36 percent of Americans, including over 25 percent aged 50 to 64, have yet to start saving for retirement.

Whatever your age, it’s crucial to stop living on the financial edge and start increasing your savings percentage. Don’t wait for that next raise, or until your car is paid off. Ditch whatever excuses you’re using to stall. If you don’t make sacrifices now, you will have to make them later. It’s a sad fact that a lot of the Joneses will be strapped for cash in their golden years, and by then, you’ll want to be well ahead of them, not just keeping up.

After building up your emergency fund, I recommend making your savings automatic, whether you’re funneling money toward an employer-provided 401(k), a Roth IRA, a taxable investment account, or something else. Even if you’re able to set aside only $25 or $50 per month initially, it’s a step in the right direction. You’ll soon see improvement, and knowing you’re taking control of your money feels great. On my website, www.joyoffinancialsecurity.com, I offer resources and tools to help you calculate and increase the percentage of your income you are saving.

You can work less and live more. Here’s the great irony of keeping up with the Joneses: You’re spending, spending, spending on a big house, a new car, and all the latest electronics because these things are the status quo, and you feel that you deserve them. Then you have to work even harder to sustain the lifestyle that you’re not really enjoying at all because you’re stressed and exhausted. It’s a vicious cycle that many people never break, because they never realize that the source of their unhappiness is, in fact, all of the “stuff” they thought would bring them joy.

I’m not saying you’ll be able to quit your job when you rein in your spending, but you might find you can slow your soul-crushing pace, or that you can cut back on the overtime. Even a few extra hours each week can be applied to living a healthier life (perhaps through exercise), to hobbies, and to nurturing relationships with friends and family. And best of all, those activities won’t be overshadowed by gnawing worries about money.

You’ll feel less anxious and more at peace. Self-deprivation and frugality may not sound like fun. But the truth is, controlling our money feels good. Conversely, spending without limits feels bad. The initial rush you may get from treating yourself to everything you don’t need wears off—and it does not bring more fun, greater happiness, or better memories. In fact, perpetually low account balances and credit card debt often lead to long-lasting anxiety and unhappiness. 

There are many things in life we can’t control. That’s why it’s so important to pay attention to the things we can control and to be aware of their impact on our happiness. You control where you go, what you do, and how much you spend. You’ll find that when you control the controllables, you’ll feel much more at peace—because you aren’t worrying about how you’re going to pay for everything!

You can simplify your life and zero in on what really matters. Ever notice how much time and energy a so-called “normal” life sucks up? You have to clean, maintain, decorate (and redecorate) that spacious home. Electronic devices and gadgets monopolize your (and your kids’) attention. Your schedule is packed, and you’re constantly zooming from work to the dry cleaner’s to the latest stop on the traveling soccer team’s tournament calendar. Not only are you overstimulated, you’re exhausted! And most discouraging of all, half the activities on your calendar don’t bring you any fulfillment.

Resolving not to keep up with the Joneses forces you to clarify what your values are. Instead of letting society dictate your priorities, you’re faced with the liberating responsibility of reordering your life. Often, that involves simplifying—getting rid of unnecessary and unwanted items, obligations, and self-imposed responsibilities. This frees up literal and figurative space for you to make new and wonderful changes, which will probably involve spending more time with the people you love. Don’t forget: Psychology research shows that improving our relationships with others is the number-one way to increase our happiness.

You’ll up your gratitude quotient. When you’re being swept through life by the current of consumerism, it’s easy to fall into a “more, more, more” mindset: When can I go on vacation again? When can I go shopping? When will I be eligible for an upgrade on my phone? And when you’re not getting your “fix,” you feel a sense of lack that distracts you from the present moment with its small joys—like reading a book to your child or working in your herb garden.

Where you place your attention determines your attitude, your behavior, and your choices. Focusing on what you don’t have increases stress, dissatisfaction, and financial irresponsibility. But when you scale down your life, the many blessings you already have will become more apparent to you. And when you’re grateful, you don’t need to fill some inner void by acquiring more stuff.

Your priorities can shift away from “things” to “experiences.” For most people (and certainly for the Joneses), having a good time comes with a price tag. From booking lavish vacations to eating at expensive restaurants to making sure our homes are decked out with flat-screen TVs and sound systems, we don’t mind pulling out our wallets in the name of enjoyment. (And often, we don’t worry about the price tag until it’s too late.)

But what if the finest things in life can’t be bought? Psychology shows that experiences are always more impactful on our happiness than things. Take vacation, for example. Though they may not realize it, most people would be happier pursuing quieter, more off-the-beaten-path, yet still deeply fulfilling experiences—hiking, bike riding, or playing in the surf with their kids—than crowding into some overpriced tourist trap. Do some soul searching and ask yourself what really brings you joy before you get out the credit cards.

You’ll be in a position to give back. Living a life that’s meaningful to you instead of to the Joneses will probably increase your margins of time, energy, and money, making it possible for you to give back.

It all ties together. When you’re living a life based on your own values and are focused on relationships and experiences instead of “stuff,” you’ll find that you want to leave a legacy that’s more substantial than a nice house and car. And giving back (either with our time or our money) has been shown to increase our happiness.

 Despite our national tendency to overspend, I am encouraged that the pendulum seems to be swinging back toward financial responsibility. I point to a recent study showing that millennials (also called Generation Y, born between 1980 and 2000) are funding Roth IRAs at a higher rate than older generations.

Apparently they were paying attention during the 2008 financial crisis.  They saw how their parents, friends, and neighbors were severely impacted, and they are now more likely to save for the future.

No matter what generation you belong to, though, remember that a truly rich life is based on strong relationships with friends and family, giving back to our community, expressing ourselves creatively, leading healthy yet simple lifestyles, and spending our money in a way that is in alignment with our values.

About the Author:

Donna Skeels Cygan, CFP^®, MBA, is the owner of the financial advisory firm Sage Future Financial, LLC, and the author of The Joy of Financial Security: The art and science of becoming happier, managing your money wisely, and creating a secure financial future. She has been recognized numerous times as one of the top financial advisors in the U.S. She seeks to help her clients take control of their money in a way that maximizes their happiness.

Cygan has contributed to articles and has been quoted in national newspapers and magazines, including the Wall Street Journal, the New York Times, the Chicago Tribune, Forbes, Kiplinger’s, and Investment News. She has appeared on TV programs in New York, Seattle, Portland, Phoenix, Minneapolis, and Memphis, as well as on many radio shows across the U.S. She also enjoys speaking on many topics related to money and happiness. To learn more, visit www.joyoffinancialsecurity.com.  

About the Book:

The Joy of Financial Security: The art and science of becoming happier, managing your money wisely, and creating a secure financial future (Sage Future Press, 2013, ISBN: 978-0-989-77844-2, $24.95, www.joyoffinancialsecurity.com) is available at bookstores nationwide and from major online booksellers.

Don’t Stick Stuff Up Your Nose! How to Keep Your Child From Putting Things Where They Don’t Belong and What to Do If It Happens

By Dr. Jerald Altman

Picture this: During dinner on a quiet Wednesday night, your two-year-old, Sarah, begins complaining that her nose hurts as she starts to cry. You lean over to take a look, hoping that she’s not coming down with a cold. And then you see it. Your blood runs cold as you realize that while Sarah watched her older sister make beaded bracelets that afternoon, she must have shoved at least one bead up her nose. Chaos ensues.

You frantically search for tweezers while your spouse throws pepper in Sarah’s face, trying to make her sneeze. You beg Sarah to sit still as you try to pull the bead out, but you end up only pushing it farther into her nasal passage. Finally, you throw everyone in the car and race to the ER, where you watch in amazement as the doctor pulls not one, not two, but three pink beads out of your daughter’s nostril.

If this scenario sounds familiar, you’re not alone. I am frequently the doctor in this story, and just as often, youngsters stuff unexpected objects into their ears, too.

The “why” is simple: Kids stick stuff where it doesn’t belong because they’re experiential learners and because they’re naturally curious—about what it feels like, and about what will happen. Some children may also be motivated by the fact that they know it’s naughty, or because they think it’ll be funny. Trust me, I’ve seen it all in noses and ears: rocks, candy, paper, peanuts, crayons, buttons, and beads…and the list just gets weirder from there!

One thing’s for sure: Kids don’t anticipate the dangers (or, usually, the parental panic) that comes with a Lego lodged in a nostril or a pea shoved into an ear. And by the time parents become aware of the problem, it’s definitely no laughing matter.

Foreign (and often dirty) objects in a child’s nose or ears can lead to serious health risks. Those range from infections to blocked airways to punctured eardrums…things neither you nor your child wants to experience. And, of course, there’s the expense: co-pays, deductibles, and at times, general anesthesia.

Children under four are most at risk of getting into trouble with small objects. And that’s the general age range I target in Don’t Stick Sticks Up Your Nose! Don’t Stuff Stuff In Your Ears!, which is written for children ages two to six. With colorful illustrations and fun rhymes, this 22-page board book is the perfect way to teach your child not to put dangerous objects where they don’t belong.

              Here, I share several prevention tips—and advise parents on how to proceed if something does get stuck in a little nose or ear.

How to Prevent Sticking and Stuffing From Happening

Talk about it. The best way to avoid a “What’s that in your nose?” crisis is to take the most direct approach: Talk to your child. Especially if you’ve noticed that your child has a tendency to put things up his nose or in his ears, explain to him that this is a major no-no. If it’s age-appropriate, emphasize the danger of putting things where they don’t belong and discuss what the consequences might be. This is where Don’t Stick Sticks Up Your Nose! Don’t Stuff Stuff In Your Ears! comes in handy: It gives parents a way to talk about ear and nose safety in a way that’s fun, memorable, and doesn’t feel like a lecture. (Your kids might even ask for repeat reads.)

Prevention and awareness are key. Often, kids are more receptive to this type of advice when you keep the conversation positive. And remember that it’s important to make this a family discussion. Teach older siblings that a baby’s ears and nose are delicate and that they’re not for poking things into.

Look at your house from your child’s point of view. Once or twice a day, it’s a good idea to check the floor, low tables, and under pieces of furniture for jewelry, toys, keys, and other small objects that may have accumulated. The more items that are out of place, the greater the risk to your child.

Stoop down (or even get down on your hands and knees!) and take a fresh look at your home from your child’s vantage point. Keep your eyes peeled for smaller objects that curious young hands (and noses and ears) might find interesting. If the temptation isn’t there, your child can’t stuff it where it doesn’t belong!

Store small objects out of reach. Once a child becomes mobile, it’s smart for parents and grandparents to thoroughly childproof their homes. From a small-object standpoint, I suggest taking no chances. Childproof latching mechanisms and locked containers are more than worth their price in terms of the stress they can save you.

Be sure to err on the side of caution. After the fact, so many parents say, “I had no idea my child could reach that high, or pull out that drawer, or climb up there.” You don’t want to wait for a visit to the ER to find out just how athletic your little one actually is! Specifically, I recommend keeping the following items in a high cabinet since they’re common up-the-nose or in-the-ear culprits: popcorn, peas, nuts, marbles, buttons, beads, batteries, magnets, toys with removable parts, safety pins, and coins. Oh, and one more piece of advice: Don’t forget about your trash can. Preschoolers don’t always share our aversion to digging through garbage!

Keep your eye on them. Our hectic, on-the-go, multi-tasking lives make it impossible to closely supervise our children every second of every day. That said, a watchful eye is still one of the best defenses against sticking and stuffing.

In particular, watch small children while they eat, since they naturally like to experiment and play with food. Encourage your child to sit quietly when eating and drinking. Sometimes, she may even listen! (Hey, I’m a parent of three; I know how this goes.) Another time to be especially vigilant is when your children are playing outdoors, since it’s impossible to childproof Mother Nature. Your watchful eye, coupled with an age-appropriate warning, can keep seeds, plant material, pebbles, sand, and other small outdoor objects from finding their way into ears or noses.

What to Do If Something Is Stuck or Stuffed

Know the signs. When a foreign object finds its way into a nostril or ear, you can’t always count on your child to tell you. An older child might be embarrassed or afraid of punishment. And a toddler might not even make the connection between the eraser he stuffed up his nose several hours ago and the discomfort he’s feeling now. That’s why it’s important to be able to recognize signs that something might be amiss.

If your child has stuffed something up his nose, he might complain of pain, his nose might bleed, or he might have bad breath. If he has stuck something in his ear, he might complain of ear pain, have smelly or bloody drainage, redness, or reduced hearing.

Don’t panic. The realization that There’s a piece of kibble in my daughter’s nose! or She has a dime in her ear! can make your blood run cold. Yes, these situations are scary, but I promise that this happens all the time. So count to ten and calm down a bit before leaping into action.

Panicking will only make a bad situation worse. Take a deep breath and evaluate the situation. Ask your child what happened and if she’s in pain. Then, take a look and decide how best to proceed.

If possible, remove the object. If you’re fortunate, your child’s former “toy” will be fairly easy to dislodge. In other words, you don’t have to make a beeline for the doctor’s office the minute you notice something in a nostril or ear that shouldn’t be there.

If you can see the foreign body in the ear or nose and it appears easy to remove, you can try to carefully do so using tweezers. Tilt the head downward to remove a nasal foreign body, or to the left or right depending on which ear contains the foreign body, so that gravity helps the object fall out. Never poke at the ear or try to remove the object by force, though. You might inadvertently push the foreign body further back, which could make it fall into the windpipe and cause breathing problems, or injure the inner ear.

Call the doctor. If you’re unsure about your ability to unclog your child’s nostril or ear yourself, it’s always best to err on the side of caution and let a medical professional do the honors.

If the object is difficult to remove or cannot be clearly seen, or if your child is in pain, call your healthcare provider first. When you explain the situation, they’ll be able to tell you if you should come in or go straight to the ER. In some cases, the doctor or nurse on call may even be able to talk you through an at-home extraction.

            Try your best to help your kids understand that noses and ears are off-limits areas and to keep temptations out of the reach of little hands. And if sticking or stuffing happens anyway, don’t beat yourself up. As I’ve already mentioned, this happens all the time and does not make you a negligent parent—it just makes your kid a typical kid. Think about it this way: Years from now, after your panic has subsided, you’ll have a lot of fun telling Junior’s prom date about the time he decided to temporarily store a dandelion in his left nostril!

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About the Authors:

Dr. Jerald Altman is the coauthor of Don’t Stick Sticks Up Your Nose! Don’t Stuff Stuff In Your Ears! He is an otolaryngologist-head and neck surgeon (ENT doctor) and was recognized as a Phoenix Top Doc in 2010, 2011, 2012, and 2013. Dr. Altman loves taking care of children’s ear, nose, and throat issues. After publishing many peer-reviewed journal articles, he recognized the need for a children’s book dealing with a common problem in his practice.

Dr. Altman is married with three children and lives in a suburb of Phoenix. He enjoys woodturning as a hobby and climbs Camelback Mountain regularly.

Richard Jacobson is the coauthor of Don’t Stick Sticks Up Your Nose! Don’t Stuff Stuff In Your Ears! He studied architecture at Yale University and has spent most of his adult life designing interiors, landscapes, tablescapes, clothing, and just about anything else that can be fashioned in a creative way. He lives in Phoenix, Arizona, but since he travels extensively to play in duplicate bridge tournaments, he climbs considerably fewer mountains than his coauthor. Jacobson enjoys training dogs, birds, and topiaries in his spare time.

About the Book:

Don’t Stick Sticks Up Your Nose! Don’t Stuff Stuff In Your Ears! (ZonaBooks, LLC, 2013, ISBN: 978-0-988-88610-0, $12.50, www.dontstickdontstuff.com) is available at www.dontstickdontstuff.com and Amazon.