Bullying? Not on My Watch! It’s (Past) Time for a Cultural Revolution

By Todd Patkin, Guest Blogger

Every few months, it seems, there’s another headline about the death of a child or teen as the result of bullying. That’s terrifying, and it’s also unacceptable. To some extent we expect to hear about economic woes, political strife, and natural disasters. We don’t expect to hear about the premature (and preventable) deaths of our young people. And we shouldn’t have to. It’s past time for America to realize that bullying is “the” problem of our day, and for parents and educators to lead the revolution on stopping this dangerous behavior.

If you’re skeptical, consider the following statistics from www.bullyingstatistics.org:

• Almost 30 percent of young people participate in bullying behaviors or are bullying victims.
• Every day, around 160,000 students do not attend school because they are afraid of being bullied.
• Young people who have been bullied are two to nine times likelier than their nonbullied peers to consider suicide.

 To put it bluntly, what we’re doing to combat bullying clearly isn’t working. Suicides are still happening, and that’s not even mentioning the thousands of kids whose lives are destroyed or diminished—but not ended—by bullying.

Yes, bullying is a big problem.

            I know from personal experience just how devastating bullying can be. Being the target of several tormenters filled my high school years with much anxiety, and the effects of being bullied lasted into my adulthood.

            My tormenters verbally abused me, and they would also push me around and knock my books or drinks out of my hands. They caused me to often dread coming to school or attending social functions. My confidence and self-esteem took a huge hit. And looking back, I believe that the negative self-image bullying cultivated lasted well into my adult years and contributed to the anxiety and depression from which I suffered.

            I’m not alone either. In fact, research has shown that the fear, social anxiety, shame, low self-esteem, and anger that bullying causes can rear their heads throughout adulthood, often at crucial moments, causing individuals who were once bullied to stick with “easy,” “safe,” or “defensive” choices instead of those that might prove most beneficial. There are definitive links between childhood bullying and adult depression. Being bullied can also lead to anger management problems and aggression in adulthood.

            The importance of combating and preventing bullying should be obvious. By preventing a young person from being bullied, we may be freeing him or her from a lifetime of feeling inadequate and being haunted by horrible memories. We may even be saving a life.

So, why isn’t the current approach working?

Yes, bullying has gotten a lot of media attention, and as a result, schools and communities are providing more and more resources for bullied kids. They’re encouraging victims to reach out for help, and they’re also instituting zero-tolerance policies aimed at the bullies themselves. But too many victims are still slipping through the cracks. Why? I believe we’re putting too much responsibility on the young people we’re trying to protect.

Schools put out a lot of rhetoric on dealing with and preventing bullying, but the problem is still rampant. That’s because our current approach revolves around requiring kids to tell on each other—and it’s not as effective as we hoped. For several reasons, young people just aren’t reporting the bullies.

First of all, kids who are being bullied often lack the self-esteem and confidence to stand up for themselves and let adults know what’s happening. They also worry that turning a tormentor in will make them new targets, or intensify the former level of bullying.

I certainly didn’t ask teachers or my parents for any help when I was in high school because I was so ashamed of my weakness in dealing with my bullies. Also, I was afraid that if my teachers or parents stepped in, their interference would just make my tormenters focus their efforts on me more. I’d be even more on the outside because I’d ratted out my peers.

I believe that many young people today feel just as powerless to speak up and “out” bullies—and I also point out that repercussions for them could be worse than those I might have faced due to cyberbullying. In other words, today’s bullies aren’t forced to stop once the school bell rings—their vicious and hurtful behavior can continue 24/7 thanks to social media sites, texting, and emails.

How much longer are we going to let this problem go on? Are we going to continue to allow more kids to become victims because, like I was, they’re too scared to speak up? Not on my watch!

Here’s what our goal should be.

We need to spark a culture-wide revolution to make bullying uncool—in fact, unacceptable! There needs to be a palpable stigma attached to tormenting and belittling another person in this way.

            I compare the bullying problem to drunk driving. Once upon a time, getting behind the wheel after a few alcoholic beverages was fairly common and casual, and was not seen as “that big of a deal”—just as, until recently, bullying was seen as “a part of kids growing up.”

Then an organization called Mothers Against Drunk Driving (MADD) took up the cause and dramatically changed the way in which Americans viewed drunk driving. Through publicity campaigns and a grassroots movement, MADD caused the public to view driving while intoxicated as something that is reprehensible, irresponsible, dangerous, and even criminal. MADD’s efforts also helped to enact stronger penalties against drunk drivers.

Similarly, bullies need to lose the ‘cool’ image that comes with being at the top of the social pecking order. The public—adults and kids alike—needs to view bullying as something that brands you with a modern-day scarlet letter. Our current zero-tolerance policies are a good start, but we need to add another prong to our anti-bullying approach. In short, parents have to lead the way (along with other students) to say that we are no longer going to accept this behavior. It has to start in your house.       

What can parents do to change things?

We as parents need to be more proactive in raising kids who are not bullies. If young people see bullying as something to avoid at all costs—something that they don’t want to participate in or allow to happen—we’ll be directly attacking the problem instead of treating the symptoms. Over time, this attitude will spread and will hopefully become just as ingrained in the public psyche as our negative views on drunk driving. The best news is, getting started is pretty simple.

First, have the bullying talk. Talk to your kids about bullying, just as you would have the drug talk or the drunk driving talk. Most parents don’t directly address this topic, perhaps because nobody ever thinks it’s their kids. (Admit it; you’ve thought something along the lines of, My child would never make fun of someone just to be mean.) And as a result, many kids don’t have a full understanding of how serious bullying and its effects can be. It’s important to be specific in defining what bullying is (make sure your child knows that it can include physical abuse, verbal taunting, online harassment, or even passing on a hurtful message or rumor), and to explain just how damaging certain words and actions can be to others—even if your child didn’t “mean” them or think they would have a lasting impact.

You should also make a point to explain that when someone commits suicide because of bullying, many lives are ruined. As a parent, you don’t want a young person’s death on your head, or on that of your child.

I am also adamant that if your child is caught bullying, you must take it very, very seriously. If you caught your child lying or stealing, you’d come down hard, right? You definitely wouldn’t brush off the behavior as “just a stage.” You’d do whatever was necessary to nip it in the bud. Treat bullying the same way.

I’m not here to tell you how to punish your child—consequences are your family’s business. Just make sure that your child knows that bullying behaviors are not okay in your family. Talk to him about why he reacted the way he did, why it was wrong, and how he can better respond in the future.

Ultimately, this is one social change that will happen because ordinary parents are purposeful in how they’re raising their children. In the past, bullies have been seen as “cool”—they’ve even been glamorized in popular culture thanks to movies like Mean Girls. We have the power and responsibility to change this view, now that we fully understand the thousands of lives that bullying affects every day. And that change must start now.  

About the Author:

Todd Patkin grew up in Needham, Massachusetts. After graduating from Tufts University, he joined the family business and spent the next eighteen years helping to grow it to new heights. After it was purchased by Advance Auto Parts in 2005, he was free to focus on his main passions: philanthropy and giving back to the community, spending time with family and friends, and helping more people learn how to be happy. Todd lives with his wonderful wife, Yadira, their amazing son, Josh, and two great dogs, Tucker and Hunter.

About the Book:

Finding Happiness: One Man’s Quest to Beat Depression and Anxiety and—Finally—Let the Sunshine In (StepWise Press, 2011, ISBN: 978-0-9658261-9-8, $19.95, www.findinghappinessthebook.com) is available at bookstores nationwide, from major online booksellers, and at www.findinghappinessthebook.com.

  

Back Away from That Marshmallow! - 8 Strategies for Teaching Your Children Self-Control

By Princess Ivana, Guest Blogger

If you haven’t heard of the Marshmallow Test, here’s how it goes: A four- to six-year-old is given a choice: Eat one marshmallow right now, or wait awhile and receive two marshmallows instead of one. The child is then left alone with the temptation—one marshmallow—and the decision.
          In the original 1960s Stanford study, it was immediately clear that children who ate the marshmallow in three minutes or less had the least self-control amongst their peers. But future follow-up revealed that they also experienced poorer outcomes overall, ranging from lower SAT scores to less stable relationships to lower career success and poorer health. Conversely, children who were able to wait the longest for the reward (and hence, doubled their pleasure) had equally consistent outcomes of greater success in school, work, relationships, and health in adulthood.
          Subsequent studies have confirmed that self-control is one of the strongest predictors for future success. So how can parents help their children acquire this valuable skill?
          “Though every child has natural tendencies toward patience or rowdy demands, self-regulation is a learned skill,” shares Princess Ivana Pignatelli Aragona Cortes, who is a featured blogger at Modern Mom, founder of Princess Ivana—The Modern Princess, and coauthor of the upcoming book A Simple Guide to Pregnancy & Baby’s First Year. “It has to do with being able to step back, weigh the choices and consequences, then make good decisions.”
          Ivana speaks from experience. While she’s a modern-day princess, she comes from modest means and met her Prince Charming while on scholarship at Pepperdine. What’s more, she has worked with children for over twenty years, has a master’s degree in education, and is a digital strategy consultant. But Ivana’s most valuable source of education by far, she says, is her experience as a mother of two.
          “It’s easy to read in a book or blog or article that your child should ideally have a laundry list of qualities, skills, and attributes, but usually, it’s much harder to cultivate those things in everyday life,” she admits. “As with most things you want your kids to learn, the key to developing self-control and perseverance is linking effort with reward.”
          It’s never too early to start giving your children the tools they’ll need to be successful throughout their lives. As you focus on this goal, remember that self-control isn’t just about waiting; it also includes self-regulation and self-motivation. Read on for eight of Pignatelli’s tips on how to help your children learn self-control:
Say no to kiddie extortion—period. Picture this: Your three-year-old comes to you and says, “Mom, I want some-a dose cookies ova dere.” You know exactly what she’s talking about: the bag of homemade chocolate chip cookies your mother-in-law dropped off earlier in the day. Problem is, it’s almost bedtime, and the last thing you want is your daughter on a sugar high. You start to shake your head, and it starts: The trembling lip. The flushed cheeks. The watering eyes. You’re tempted to give in and hand over the cookie now before the crying or—heaven forbid—full-out hysterics begin. Don’t—be strong!
“Don’t cave into whiny demands and offer a reward for a measly effort at self-control, or no effort at all,” Pignatelli urges. “This is what I call kiddie extortion: Parents are held ransom by a fitful child until they, too, want to scream. Yes, we have all been there. And I know from experience that it’s a great temptation to give them anything they want to stop the unwanted behavior. However, a better choice is to remove your child from the situation and give her some time alone to reflect and calm down. Tell her to take a deep breath and then another one. Once she has calmed down, let her know how you expect her to behave and give her another chance to succeed.”

Set reasonable expectations and consequences. Before you start a family-wide campaign focused on perfect self-control (or bust!), take a step back and think through what’s doable and reasonable. Remember, a reasonable amount of self-control will look a lot different for your six-year-old than for your two-year-old. Once you have decided on goals for each of your children, as well as consequences when expectations aren’t met, communicate those to your kids.
“When children understand what behaviors are expected of them, they are more likely to do them,” reminds Ivana. “Simple lessons on delayed gratification may include cleaning their rooms before getting TV time or, for older kids, no loans until payday when it comes to allowance. Whatever you decide, be consistent.”
Remember, not all rewards are objects. At times, it may seem like your kids are zoom-focused on getting “stuff” as rewards, whether that’s a new toy, a favorite dessert, or even a special privilege. Remember, though, that even if they don’t verbalize it, your children also value the love, approval, and time you have to give.
“Never underestimate the power of praise, hugs, treats like a trip to a favorite park, or special time together as the real rewards in life,” Pignatelli urges. “Notice when your child has done something wonderful. Say so loud and clear!”

Banish “failure” from your vocabulary. If your child is putting forth effort but getting discouraged on a project, stop and give him a hug. Encourage him to keep trying and reassure him that he can do it. And if you see that your child isn’t up to the task of finding the solution or completing the proposed project, gently suggest that he stop, take a breather, and try something else.
“One of the most crucial things in helping your children learn the pleasure of effort is letting them know that there are many solutions to any situation,” Pignatelli says. “There is no such word as ‘failure’ unless you decide to give up. Choosing to stop and try something else is not failure, but part of the creative process that often leads to better solutions.”

Help them learn through play. Ivana shares that her sister Marisa has invented a game called Jellybean Hide & Seek to teach Ivana’s two toddlers the rewards of both effort and sharing. “Close your eyes and count to ten,” she tells them, while she hides groups of two jellybeans around the house. Each time either one of the children finds the two jellybeans, the treats are shared. Thus, the success of one child becomes the success of the other—a fun lesson in teamwork.
“The kids then have the option of saving the jellybeans or eating them immediately,” Ivana adds. “Alessio, who is three, used to gobble up the treats as fast as he could get his hands on them. Now he is starting to save some of his jellybeans to savor later.”

Let them make decisions. Though we as parents would often like to step in and force our children to delay eating that proverbial marshmallow instead of indulging in the treat now, it’s good to step back from time to time and let kids take the lead.
“Yes, Mom and Dad usually know best, and dictating the ‘right’ behavior can often save time, effort, and tears,” Pignatelli acknowledges. “But sooner or later your kids will need to navigate life without you calling the shots, and good decision-making takes practice. Let your children know you have confidence in their ability to make good decisions, and very often they will.”
Repeat, repeat, repeat. If your young child accepts direction without complaint and never needs further correction, it’s time to start worrying: She may be a robot. All joking aside, though, it’s a fact of life that children often won’t absorb new behaviors the first, third, or even tenth time you offer instruction. That’s why it’s so important to repeat what you’d like them to do and why.
“Especially with very young kids, you may not see any return for awhile,” Ivana points out. “Your child just may not ‘get’ why you want her to do or not do something. The key is sticking with it. Even if you sound like a broken record, talk through your expectations again and again. Seek out examples where you see self-control or self-motivation happening, and narrate why they caught your eye. Sooner or later, your words will sink in.”
Be a good example. “Do as I say, not as I do” has never been (and never will be) a valid parenting strategy. To put it simply, kids learn the bulk of their behaviors, habits, and attitudes from watching you. That’s why it’s important to make sure you’re not invalidating your instructions with your actions.
“Believe me—I know that self-control can be hard for adults, too,” Pignatelli says. “If your kids have never caught you stuffing your face from the bag of chips in the pantry after you told them they couldn’t have any more, for example, then my hat is off to you! When you do make a mistake, be sure to acknowledge it to your children. I also suggest teaming up with them to practice self-control for both of you. For instance, you might say, ‘I know you want to go see the movie that just came out—I’d like to go with you! If you can help me pick up all your toys and put them away tonight without whining, we can go to the theater tomorrow.’”
          “At the end of the day, remember that each child is different, and each one develops at a unique rate,” Ivana concludes. “Don’t use your brother’s kids, the students in your son’s preschool class, or even his older sister as a measuring stick for success or failure. Just be persistent and consistent, and one day, you’ll be amazed and impressed by just how much self-control and persistence your child is displaying.”

# # #

About Princess Ivana:Ivana is the author of the upcoming book A Simple Guide to Pregnancy & Baby’s First Year, which was cowritten with her mother, Magdalene Smith, and her sister, Marisa Smith. Their blog, Princess Ivana—The Modern Princess, is a blend of humor, practical advice, and lifestyle tips on the essentials. Ivana is also a featured blogger on Modern Mom.

While she’s a modern-day princess, she comes from modest means and met her Italian Prince Charming (if you’re curious, he’s Adriano Pignatelli Aragona Cortes, Prince of the Holy Roman Empire) while on scholarship at Pepperdine. She didn’t wait for his kiss to save her, though—using her master’s degree in education, she forged a career of her own as a digital strategy consultant.

Ivana and her husband have two fabulous kids (ages three years and twenty months) who are the latest additions to a 1,000-year lineage that includes kings of Sicily and Spain, Catherine of Aragon, a pope, and a saint. Ivana is wild about kids and motherhood. For the past twenty years, she has worked with children, from designing learning toys to tutoring homeless kids.

Ivana’s Super Mom juggling act between life, love, kids, and career inspired her new book. She believes that life is more about attitude than money, and her goal is to help mothers live well on any budget. Consider her “Dear Abby” with a tiara and a baby sling!

Got a Bonus? Here's How to Make the Most of It

By Andrea Woroch
Guest Blogger

No matter where you work, there's always a glimmer of hope you'll find something extra in your paycheck around the holidays. In the event such dreams actually do come true, a windfall of cash can make us do some strange things. Suddenly, even the most frugal shopper is looking for any excuse to spend their extra money.

If you find yourself sitting on a pile of unexpected cash, don't start blowing through your reserves quite yet. While some may not be the most sexy options, consider a few of these possibilities to make the most of your year-end bonus.

1. Catch Up on Credit Cards
According to the Federal Reserve Board, December is when Americans acquire the most credit card debt. Last year more than $851 billion was spent using credit cards in the one month alone. If you contributed to this amount, keep some of your bonus in reserve to quickly tackle bills when they come due. Making small payments or postponing them into new year will cost you more in the long run.

2. Spend Some
No matter how financially responsible you are, it's human nature to want to treat yourself to something special. Since you worked hard to earn that bonus, there's no reason you shouldn't. However, don't throw smart spending out the window just yet. Your dollar will go further if you still take the time to compare prices and use coupons. For impromptu purchases, keep the Coupon Sherpa app installed on your smartphone for instant savings at hundreds of stores.

3. Emergency Fund
Though the Mayan apocalypse passed without incident, no one knows what the future will hold. There's no need to hoard canned food, but having an emergency fund helps ease the burden of the unexpected. Knowing you have the cash to cover repairs makes a burst pipe or car breakdown that much less stressful.

4. Plan for Taxes
Powerball winners and professional athletes are quick to tell you how distant relatives suddenly emerge from the woodwork when you make it big. Though your holiday bonus isn't likely to draw in conniving cousins, the government will still want a piece. If you're not sure what kind of tax burden to expect, hold off on most of your spending until you know what you owe. Paying taxes isn't an ideal way to use a bonus, but it's still better than dealing with the IRS.

5. Create a College Fund
For most parents, starting a college fund is always on the list of priorities. Despite the good intentions, life is filled with expenses that quickly sidetrack such plans. While you have the cash, consider setting up a 529 plan. These plans come with significant tax advantages, not to mention scholarship matching and exemption from financial aid calculations. For more information on how a 529 plan works, see what the IRS has to say.

6. Manage Your Mortgage
A mortgage is a scary commitment. Signing up to make payments for the next 30 years comes with a certain amount of stress. If you're struggling to keep up with the high monthly costs, you may want to use that holiday bonus to refinance. Mortgage rates are relatively low right now, and using that chunk of change to improve yours will keep more money around each month.

7. IRA Investment
Even if complex financial management makes your head feel like it's going to explode, a certain level of attention is still required. One of the easiest investments you can make is contributions to your individual retirement account (IRA). Those under 50 years old can contribute up to $5,000 per year, up to the amount of taxable income. Those over 50 are allowed to contribute up to $6,000 per year, not exceeding taxable income. You won't see the benefits now, but you'll appreciate it when you're retired and spending the day on the golf course.

8. Accelerate Payments
Maybe the reason so many people blow their year-end bonus is that managing money is miserable. Evaluating and improving your credit to debt ratio isn't glamorous, but it helps you get what you want in the long run. Consider doubling up on car payments or other loans you've acquired to improve your credit score and open up other financing options.

Andrea Woroch is a nationally-recognized consumer and money-saving expert who helps consumers live on less without radically changing their lifestyles. From smart spending tips to personal finance advice, Andrea transforms everyday consumers into savvy shoppers. She has been featured among top news outlets such as Good Morning America, NBC's Today, MSNBC, New York Times, Kiplinger Personal Finance, CNNMoney and many more. You can follow her on Twitter for daily savings advice and tips.

How to Talk to Your Child About the Sandy Hook School Shooting

By Vivian K. Friedman, Ph.D.

Regular Birmingham Parent Columnist & Guest Blogger

Q. With all the frightening news reported through the media, can you guide me on how and how much to tell my children?

A. The age of the child is going to be the key to what should be shared. A three year old doesn’t need to know anything. He will not hear about the tragedy from other sources. A six year old, who attends school, will hear it from peers and adults at school, and so you will want him to know it from you. A teen can legitimately be exposed to bad news because he is able to process information and understand facts and feelings. He no longer gains all his information from the family and will know whether you tell him or others do.

Preschoolers have “magical thinking.” If two events occur together, they may assume that one caused the other. For example, if their block tower falls when there is thunder outside, the preschool age child might assume that the thunder knocked his blocks down.

It is this magical thinking that can cause mis-perception and fears. Parents of children younger than  6 should be careful to check what the child has heard and to correct any misconceptions that might lead to irrational fears later on.

Young children need a protected childhood. Just as most sexual matters are not suitable for discussion in childhood, so is violence. Shield your young children from life’s horrific events and give them back innocence.  Don’t feel compelled to discuss the news with him. If possible, shield him from your tears. It is scary for the young child to see a parent cry. If he sees you cry, be sure he sees your recovery, as well.

Elementary school age children have concrete thinking. They need to be told the facts simply and directly without including too many “possibly” and “could haves”. The concretely thinking early elementary school age child will think that the man who shot the children was “more bad” for shooting 20 children than if he had shot only one. It’s the number that determines the badness- not the action he took.

Again, simplicity is the best way to tell a child, followed by asking him to repeat what he has understood. By asking him to tell you, you can avoid misunderstanding. Respond concretely, assuring him that you can protect him, even if this is not absolutely true. Children need absolute faith in the power of their parents to keep them safe. While I never advocate lying to a child, this is not the time to burden him with the limits of your power. You might want to read stories together in which the mama bear or papa tiger protects his cub. Make your child feel safe. Tell him his home and his school are safe places. Don’t forget that Sandy Hook was one event out of millions of school days and has never happened on that scale before.

Children older than 11 or 12 have abstract thought. They can understand causality and ambivalence. They can consider more than one set of facts at a time. For example, they can see that a child who breaks a whole stack of plates while helping a parent get ready for a party is less guilty than a child who breaks only one plate while getting a cookie he was not supposed to have. He can grasp that the motive- not just number of plates broken - determine the seriousness of the misdeed.

The family of a teenager should discuss the news and use it as an opportunity to talk about morals, anger management and topics like bullying. This is a teaching moment, as well as a time to share feelings and sadness with your teens. Sharing feeling about the tragedy can bring a family together. Sharing reactions to the tragedy can teach values.

 Vivian K. Fridman Ph.D. is a child and family pschologist at UAB, Department of Psychiatry.  She is a regular columnist at Birmingham Parent.

HOLIDAY RETURNS - HOW TO MAKE THEM PAINLESS!

By Andrea Woroch
Guest Blogger

With just a few short shopping days 'til Christmas, returning items while you're still in the process of buying gifts is likely not top-of-mind. However, it's important to know your options after all the presents are unwrapped and those that didn't hit the mark are revealed.

According to a recent survey by the National Retail Federation, 83.1 percent of retailers, indicated their return policies wouldn't change much during the holiday season. In fact, more than 10 percent of stores said they'd make it easier for shoppers and ill-received gift recipients to return unwanted merchandise.
Whether it's a return or exchange you have to handle, these six tips will help make the process less of a hassle.

1. Review Return Policies
First things first: take stock of the items you don't want and review return policies for the stores from whence they came. If it's an online return, be sure the original packaging isn't tossed out with crumpled gift wrap. Ideally, you can get all your returns knocked out in one day as soon after Christmas as possible.

2. Exchange Cards for Cash
Since 81 percent of shoppers intend to buy a gift card during the holidays, it stands to reason a few of these will miss the mark. Happily, unsatisfied gift card recipients can exchange their card for cash on the aptly-named Gift Card Exchange Day scheduled for Wednesday, Dec. 26. Gift cards can be sold for up to 92 percent of their value, or in exchange for an Amazon gift card.

3. Organize Receipts
The best way to ensure hassle-free returns is to have your gift receipt or purchase confirmation handy. For quick access, download the OneReciept app to digitally store all your receipts. If you're returning something you purchased yourself, some stores like Banana Republic keep transaction histories which they can reference in lieu of a receipt.

4. Return to Store
If possible, try to dodge return shipping fees by returning an item in store. While this option is obviously not available for online-only purchases, most top retailers like Target, Walmart and Best Buy will accept merchandise returns for items purchased online. If you are doomed to ship the merchandise back to the online store, avoid long lines at the post office on January 3; this is historically the busiest day to return unwanted gifts by mail.

5. Card Protection
If you're missing receipts or attempting to return past a limited-time period, call your credit card company. Many cards offer extended return protection and other helpful return options for purchases made with the card. You will likely need to send the merchandise directly to the credit card issuer, but they will usually cover shipping costs. Just make sure the goods are in like-new condition.

6. Exchange Plus
Returning something is never a fun task, but it's certainly more bearable when you're exchanging it for something you like more. If that's the case, be sure to stretch your returned dollars with coupons. You can expect an abundance of end-of-year sales and promotions from your favorite stores, so hit the shops early for the best inventory.



- Andrea Woroch is a nationally-recognized consumer and money-saving expert who helps consumers live on less without radically changing their lifestyles. From smart spending tips to personal finance advice, Andrea transforms everyday consumers into savvy shoppers. She has been featured among top news outlets such as Good Morning America, NBC's Today, MSNBC, New York Times, Kiplinger Personal Finance, CNNMoney and many more. You can follow her on Twitter for daily savings advice and tips.

A Deep Blue Christmas: Dealing with Extreme Grief at the Holidays

For those who’ve recently lost someone they deeply loved, this is the season

of struggles. I explain how to grieve when the world is trimming trees and singing carols.

By Arleah Shechtman

Guest Blogger

Most people agree: There’s an undercurrent of sadness to the holidays. We’ve all experienced losses, and residual grief tends to resurface when the garland goes up, the menorah is lit, and we notice grandma’s empty chair. But what if you’re suffering a fresh, profound loss? What if a spouse, a best friend, or—God forbid—a child has died during the past year?

While it’s hard to quantify grief, to say “my loss trumps your loss,” we all know there are losses that sadden and there are losses that devastate.  And the first Christmas or Hanukkah after a devastating loss—really any “first” without the loved one—can be almost unbearably painful.

My new book, My Beloved Child: My journey since the death of my daughter, traces my grief journey since my daughter’s death 35 years ago. In my experience, the holidays create idealized expectations that can’t possibly be met. For those experiencing extreme grief, the holidays aren’t just a letdown; they’re a painful reminder of what you no longer have.

I remember being so angry that first Christmas because everyone was laughing and sharing and I had to visit my child at the cemetery.

So how can those suffering from extreme grief survive the holidays? Here are a few tips:

Break down when you need to break down. (Yes, even in the middle of the office Christmas party.) Grief doesn’t always arrive at convenient times, but it shouldn’t be squelched. Find a bathroom or go outside, but cry and scream if you have to. 

Never fake it. Never soldier through it. Only by “riding the waves” of grief, even when it makes others uncomfortable, can you ever begin to heal.

If you feel like going to the holiday event, go. If you don’t, don’t. Grief ebbs and flows, and often after a period of intense crying you will feel okay for a while. If you’re in an “ebb” and think you might enjoy a candlelight service, then go. Take grief as it comes.

Forget seasonal “obligations.” Take care of yourself first. If you just can’t show up for a holiday dinner, it’s okay. If you can’t face shopping for your grandchildren, don’t. They have too much stuff anyway! Those who care about you will understand.

When you need to, call someone on your “List of 10.” Historically, extreme loss was handled in the context of family, friends, church, and community. In our current culture, families are scattered and fragmented, and communities and churches have been devalued. That’s why I suggest cobbling together a list of 10 people you trust who agree to be there when you need them—even at 2 a.m.

After Sharon died I would call the people on my list, one by one, to see if they were up to my grief at the moment. Grief requires comfort, a hard thing to keep asking for.

Find a way to honor your lost loved one during the holidays. Hang a stocking for her.  Prepare his favorite meal. Do something meaningful to bring the person’s presence into the holidays.

These rituals help you process the loss rather than trying to squelch or deny it.

Do something that brings you pleasure or comfort (even if it isn’t holiday-related). Go for a snowy hike, visit a spa, or pet cats at the local animal shelter. The fact that you’re grieving doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy life.

This last point is the hardest to believe, but it’s true. You’ll think, I’ll never be happy again. You will. Maybe not this Christmas or Hanukkah. Maybe not next year. But eventually, you will.

Making the choice to grieve—and it’s one you must make again and again for the rest of your life—expands your capacity for joy and brings new richness to relationships. If nothing else sustains you this holiday season, hold on to this. Life will never be the same, but it will be good again.

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About the Author:

Arleah Shechtman, M.S.W., A.C.S.W., is the author of My Beloved Child: My journey since the death of my daughter (Fifth Wave Leadership Publications, 2012, ISBN: 978-1-4750469-9-1, $13.95). She is a recognized expert on the impact of the death of a child, on marriages, families, and individual survivors.  

How to Have a Wickedly Successful New Year

 Nine Strategies to Help

You Stop Enduring and Start Creating a Life That REALLY Works

Looking for something with more impact (and sticking power) than the usual

doomed-to-fail resolutions? I want you to make 2013 the

year you finally buck up and start living the life YOU want to live!

By Vickie Milazzo

Guest Blogger

The year 2012 is drawing to a close and, for many recession-wracked American women, it feels like just another mile marker in an endurance race going nowhere. Depressing, but true. We trudge through the week at a dreary job, drive home fretting about money, and spend our evenings robot-walking through the usual haze of homework battles and half-finished chores. Passion and fulfillment? Nope, just sheer survival.  And the worst part is, most of us have meekly accepted that this is how it has to be right now.

I have a message for all you “endurers”: Buck up, girlfriend! You can do a lot more than (barely) get by—and 2013 can be the year you actually start living your life again.

I’m not talking about the kind of new year’s resolution that’s just wishful thinking pasted on top of your old lifestyle. I’m talking about truly changing the way you think about things, breaking old habits, putting some real boundaries in place and tapping into your determination.

I’m talking about taking responsibility for your own happiness. Don’t you think if someone was going to swoop in and rescue you it would already have happened?

I have earned the right to be a tough talker. In 1982 I faced the reality that I was unhappy with the direction my life had taken. I was a registered nurse with a bachelor’s and master’s degree. But after six short years of hospital experience, I felt like I was in a dead-end job. I still wanted to be a nurse, but on my own terms. Today I am the founder and CEO of a multi-million dollar legal nurse consulting education company.

It is possible to create a life that excites and energizes you. But first you have to make a conscious choice to step out of your old, unfulfilling one.  And it’s a choice you have to make over and over again—if you don’t your old patterns will suck you back in.

To achieve what I call “Wicked Success” you have to cultivate a new, wickedly resourceful mindset. I offer nine strategies that can help you do exactly that in 2013:

           

Break the feel-good addiction. Remember, where you focus is where you’ll yield results. And because we like to feel good, we gravitate toward what’s easy instead of what’s productive. We major in minor accomplishments, wasting time surfing the Internet, watching TV, hanging out on Facebook, trying to beat our high score on Angry Birds.

Here’s a news flash: There’s no real life prize for being great at Angry Birds. It’s time to let go of time-sucking distractions. The more superficial things you engage in the more superficial your life and accomplishments will be. So the next time you have a break at work or the next time all the kids are out of the house, instead of checking your email, Facebook or texts, use the time to take a step toward achieving one of your goals.

Stop being the Chief Everything Officer—don’t say “Yes” by default. It’s a hard lesson to learn but in order to be wickedly successful, you have to understand that by saying “no” to some things you will have the time and energy to say “yes” to the right things. If you’re feeling overwhelmed and pulled in every direction you won’t be able to lead yourself, much less anyone else.  

Stop committing your energy to every person or situation that demands it. You need to set your own expectations of what you want to accomplish. Don’t let your career or life take a backseat to everyone else’s. Yes, you have responsibilities to others. But you’ve also got a responsibility to yourself.

Do something big every day. You eat a whale the same way you eat an apple—one bite at a time. The wickedly successful understand that to accomplish any project you can’t expect to do it all at once.

This is often why our New Year’s resolutions don’t work out. You say, “I am going to lose 20 pounds!” And then you implement a new exercise regimen—or heck, just start actually exercising—and after two days of no weight loss you get discouraged. You aren’t going to achieve your goals over night. You have to work at it every day. Commit to doing something big every day towards that project or goal and you’ll reach it. Keep working out regularly and slowly but surely you’ll see the results. Find something you can improve and start improving it—one bite, one step, one day at a time.

Stop hanging with the biggest losers. When you choose to participate in negative behaviors they rub off on you. Think about it this way: If you’re struggling to achieve a goal, you shouldn’t hang out with someone else who is struggling to achieve that same goal. If you want to be great at golf, you don’t hang out with a bad golfer.

Successful people tend to hang out with other successful people, not with losers who whine about someone else’s success. Stick with the winners. The view from the top is meant to be shared. Find someone who’s already there to share it with, not someone who’s never seen it.

Expand what you’re willing to believe about yourself. Studies show that women will underestimate their own abilities, judging themselves lower than their skills prove, while men overestimate their abilities, judging themselves more competent. If you see yourself as powerless that’s what you will be. Anytime you find yourself entertaining doubts or trying to limit what you think is possible, remind yourself of your past successes. Let them infuse you with confidence and bolster your resolve.

Believing you can do it—whatever “it” is—is 90 percent of the win. When I walked into my first meeting with a potential client, my legs were literally shaking. I forced myself to remember that this attorney needed specialized knowledge that only I—a critical care nurse—could give him. That reminder didn’t banish all of my nervousness, but it did enable me to make the points I wanted with my first client. I learned that when you expand what you’re willing to believe about yourself, you can transform who you are and what your life looks like.

Don’t wait for conditions to be perfect. Along the way to becoming wickedly successful, you may have to redefine what success looks like for you. Conditions will never be perfect – there will always be something muddying the water, even if it’s just a little muddy.

The real challenge is accepting that you have to keep on giving your best even when things aren’t perfect. Misguided perfectionism can keep you from stepping out and going for what you want. Perfectionism can also rob you of the enjoyment of experiences. Distinguishing what does and doesn’t require perfection is the hallmark of wickedly successful women.

Surround yourself with as many successful mentors as possible. Inept coaches don’t fail to help you—they help you to fail. Look around you for others whose work you admire and model yourself after them instead.

Get out of the rut of your own habits. Take your advice from people with a proven positive track record. Accepting the leadership of others does not make you less capable of achieving your goals. It actually boosts your abilities. Don’t be afraid to ask for advice. And when you get good advice, don’t be too proud to follow it.

Regenerate your passion for work. Do you remember why you wanted the career you have? There aren’t many jobs that offer easy hours and easy money, so that probably wasn’t it. It was probably the love you had for the profession whether you get to help people everyday, use your creativity, crunch numbers or whatever your passion is. Tap back into the frame of mind you had when you were just starting out. Ask yourself, What can I do to become passionate about work again?

When you take this inward look, it is entirely possible you’ll see the path ahead going in an unexpected direction. Your passion might lead you somewhere else. That’s what happened to me when I started my business. I was a registered nurse and I realized I wanted more passion, more joy in the part of my life that sucked up 10 hours every day. That journey led me to pioneer the profession of legal nurse consulting. You’ll know passion when you’ve found it because you’ll feel amazingly engaged and energetic. Desire will become energy and you’ll have plenty of it to create your new life—your real life.

Take care of yourself first. If you stepped back and looked at your daily routine objectively, as if it were happening to your best friend, what would be your advice? Slow down? Take a few deep breaths? Spend a few moments enjoying one day before another day crashes in with new demands?

We need to give ourselves such loving advice—and listen to it. We need to thrive, not just survive. To have healthy, exciting and fulfilling relationships with others, we must first have a healthy, exciting and fulfilling relationship with ourselves. Don’t be so busy taking care of others that you forget to take care of yourself. You can’t be your best self if you’re not your own self.

There’s no reason why 2013 can’t be your biggest, boldest, most wickedly successful year yet. But for that to happen you have to match your big goals with some real changes. You have to take on a wickedly successful mindset that doesn’t take “no” or “I can’t” or “I’m too tired” for an answer.

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About the Author:

Vickie Milazzo, RN, MSN, JD, is author of the New York Times bestseller Wicked Success Is Inside Every Woman (Wiley, 2011, ISBN: 978-1-1181-0052-3, $21.95, WickedSuccess.com). From a shotgun house in New Orleans to owner of a $16-million business, Wall Street Journal best-selling author Milazzo shares the innovative suc­cess strategies that earned her a place on the Inc. list of Top 10 Entrepre­neurs and Inc. Top 5000 Fastest-Growing Companies in America.

Vickie is the owner of Vickie Milazzo Institute, an education company she founded in 1982. Featured in the New York Times as the pioneer of a new profession, she built a professional association of 5,000 members.

About the Book:

Wicked Success Is Inside Every Woman (Wiley, 2011, ISBN: 978-1-1181-0052-3, $21.95, WickedSuccess.com) is available at bookstores nationwide and from major online booksellers.